Warrior of discord's Tale
Royal Inquiry into the Matter of the Grr-Tang
Transcript of interview with Cultist Kaliam,
Keeper of the Transformation Ritual
"I remember my first
meeting with Grr-Tang very clearly. He was not known by that name then,
of course. He was simply Gravenall the warrior. If you recall, he had
some brief fame a couple years back by single-handedly killing the two
Werewolves of Lichfield Hollow. "What you may not know is that he collapsed
after that battle, a mass of broken bones and bleeding wounds. Gravenall
should have died, but mighty Fervus intervened."
"Yes. Of course it was our god Fervus who
intervened! Fervus the Chaotic took a fancy to Gravenall's wild heart
and stopped the bleeding of his wounds. Fervus of Tooth and Claw had
animals lead a farmer to his body, and Gravenall was saved. "But he
was no longer the same man. He tried to devote himself to becoming a
cultist; can you imagine? It was no great surprise that this pursuit
was unsuccessful. And yes, this is when I first met him. He knelt before
me, eyes darting about, hands wringing together, and body involuntarily
shaking. He stammered that he wanted the sacred transformation - and
in all my years, I had never seen a better, more insane, petitioner.
These were the last clear words he would ever speak."
"No, I did not try to turn him away. Fervus
had chosen him. Fervus saw the chaos in his heart and marked him for
this path. Fervus is my God." "I performed my function in the order,
and I made Gravenall into a Warrior of Discord. He drank from the secret
concoction of plants, fresh coyote blood, and minotaur horn. He howled
in agony as I branded him with the mark of chaos. He turned wonderfully
mad as his body nearly doubled in mass." "As he was exhausted from the
pain and too confused to even utter gibberish, I nursed him with goat's
milk and goblin blood for two days. Ah, do I love that stage. At that
time, in my arms, their heart makes the transformation that I force
upon the body. They soak up the last bit of kindness they will ever
need. When he awoke, he was Grr-Tang, and he was a sight to behold."
"You know most of the rest. He fashioned his
own scythe from the bones of the troll that he strangled with his bare
hands. He earned seven awards of bravery from Her Majesty, though he
never understood what they were or cared for the rewards. He was free
of trappings, he was a true Warrior of Discord, and he fought for Fervus
without question - and without thought for himself."
"Remember when the horde of goblins overran
the city guard? Clucking like a chicken he stood among them, alone in
the sea of goblin. His scythe sliced through them like wheat, and when
the last of the goblins ran for the hills, Grr-Tang sat and wept for
two days. Finally the cultist Franalia cautiously approached and beseeched
him what was wrong. Apparently a chicken that he had tied to his belt
before battle did not survive the fray. No one killed a chicken within
site of Grr-Tang for all of the next year, I can tell you that for a
"What made Grr-Tang special? He lived. Sadly,
many of those chosen by Fervus fall in battle early on as they rarely
run away from danger. But Grr-Tang was different - he was better. He
killed more monsters than the ten best heroes of this kingdom combined.
Each kill made him more insane, more lustful for blood, and, frighteningly,
more powerful. Fervus was pleased, but sadly there is no foretelling
the actions of chaos and madness."
"Ah. So why after defending us from countless
dangers did he turn his fearsome scythe upon the peasants of the kingdom?
Why did he hunt them down and slaughter them, killing any that dared
impede his path? Did you find no answers in the silent air after a dozen
archers and three wizards finally laid him down? Did your fear of his
strength not bestow upon you the answers that you seek from me? Well
there is only one answer, sir. Grr-Tang was the same when you killed
him as when he gained those precious awards: a powerful man, a chaotic
animal, a beast you can never control, and a lover of chickens."
(pause) "No. I'll not stop administering Warrior
of Discord transformation for the worthy. Those who Grr-Tang killed
are far less than would have died if Gravenall remained a simple warrior.
And I'm sure that Her Majesty would agree. Now if you will excuse me,
I must hunt a coyote today and I have some plants to harvest." (Let
the record show that Cultist Kaliam skipped out of the room laughing