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ToF: Rise of the Rats
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Cooker



Joined: 20 Mar 2000
Posts: 1710

 PostPosted: Fri Nov 12, 2004 9:02 pm    Post subject: hehe Reply with quote Back to top

Cooker the mad was, at the time, trading card with sister Mew.

Cooker “May I have the summon vampire for six hundred gold?”
Sister Mew: “I am not trading that one.”
Cooker “Come on, I can give you Loralty’s summon monk and my own lighting storm card and a thousand gold.”
Sister Mew: “I am not trading this one.”
Cooker “How about Cooker’s Absurd machine of devastation”
Sister Mew “You have cast that one already in this quest, having more then one is illegal.”
Cooker “Never mind, how about a wither for three hundred.”
Sister Mew “I will have wither for Loralty’s summon monk.”
Cooker “It’s not like I need that one. Here you go, don’t cast it yet.”
Sister Mew “Here you go”
Rat shaman 524 “Ratman, coward!”
Cooker “Oh crap.”
Sister Mew “Oh crap.”
Random barbarian “Oh crap.”
Cooker “Draw your cards!”
Sister Mew “temple to Krypta, ruined altar, skeleton warrior, black phantom, reanimate. Play ruined altar” *suddenly a ruined altar appear out of thin air.*
Cooker “Wizard guild, magic bazaar, magic bazaar, magic bazaar and magic bazaar, damn. Play magic bazaar.” *a magic bazaar was magically constructed.*
Rat shaman “broken sewer main, sewer, ratman, ratman champion, plague, rise of the rats, play sewer” *a sewer appears.
Sister Mew: “Play temple to Krypta, draw skeleton.” *temple to Krypta pop out on the outer fields.*
Cooker “Play wizard guild, draw the Archmage.” *A wizard guild pops up.*
Rodent “Play ratman, tap ratman, attack Sister Mew, draw giant rat horde”
Announcer “Sister Mew has 16 hit points remaining.”
Sister mew “Tap Altar, Tap Temple to Krypta, play Skelton warrior, draw ruined Altar”*a skeleton warrior teleport in and make mince meat out of the ratman.*
Cooker “Tap wizard guild, play the Archmage, tap Archmage, attack ratman shaman, draw Cooker’s absurd device of senseless devastation.”
Lawyer “That’s illegal, I will take the card.”
Cooker “where did one of those come from, ok, draw wizard tower.”
The Archmage “Why the hack am I here and what the hack am I supposed to do.”
Cooker “The reason you are here is not your business, Attack the shaman.”
Announcer “Rat shaman have 50 hit points remaining.”
Rat shaman “Play broken sewer main. Draw ratapult.”
Announcer “Rat shaman has 40 hit points remaining.”
Sister Mew “shut up”
Cooker “yeah, shut up.”
Announcer “Cooker have 1 hit point remaining.”
Cooker “oh crap.”

Sister mew “Play ruined Altar, draw Summon vampire.” *another ruined altar appeared out of thin air.
Announcer “Rat shaman has 30 hit points remaining.”
Rat shaman “Play plague. Draw rat nest.”
Announcer “Cooker has -1 hit point remaining, Sister mew has 14 hit point remaining.”
Cooker “I’m melting”
Sister mew “Play reanimate, draw drain life.”
Announcer “Cooker has 128 hit points remaining.”
Cooker “Play magic bazaar, draw Wicked robot zombie creation.”
Sister Mew “Was that a red card? And you have only blue lands.”
Cooker “The deck is completely retarded.”
Sister Mew “Doesn’t that surprise me?”
Cooker “Stuff it.”
Sister Mew “Play vampire, draw vampire.”
Cooker “how many of those do you have?”
Sister Mew “I can tell you more but then I will have to kill you.”
Cooker “never …”
Announcer “Ratman shaman has 20 points remaining.”
Announcer “Ratman shaman has 10 points remaining.”
Announcer “Ratman …”
Ratman shaman “SQUEAK”
Cooker “That took care of them.”
Sister mew “One step closer, to oblivion”
Sister mew “One step closer, to oblivion”
Sister mew “One step closer, to oblivion”
Sister mew “One step closer, oh shut up already”
Sister mew “One step closer, I can’t take this any more!”
Sister mew “One step closer, ARRRRG!”
Sister mew “eeek!”
Cooker “This is like blurb, only worse.”
Sister mew “stop it;*pant pant* I face death with renewed strength!”
Cooker “I think this is the last one.”
Sister mew “Stuff it.”

Rat army *collectively* “RATMAN, COWARD!” *runs away*
Sister Mew “Does it get any worse then this?”
Cookers “Yeah, days like today are good.”
Sister Mew “Oh skulls…” *return to rest at the temple.*

Sister Gloom “She has no idea how to play red.”
 
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Venstar Trailblazer



Joined: 27 Apr 2003
Posts: 600
Location: Harrisburg,PA

 PostPosted: Sat Nov 13, 2004 2:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

(Galen and Concus look around, dased and confused.)
Concus: How the (BLEEP) did he do that!?
Galen: Something about an omlet...
Concus:(Slaps Galen) Amulet, you idiot. Now we need to find them!
Galen: But we are so close to the Throne Chamber!
Concus: How do you know?
Galen: The sign says "Throne Chamber THIS WAY ->"
Concus: Now why didn't I see those signs....
Galen: Your insane.... duh.
Concus: Well, I guess we have no choice. My programing says vengence is more important than my life or the life of my family.
Galen: I checked, and I dont have any programing...
Concus: Your insane.... Duh
(They start to walk, following the signs.)
_________________
Gimli:Never thought I'd die fighting side by side with an Elf.
Legolas:What about side by side with a friend?
Gimli:Aye. I could do that.

Gandalf:Here at last, on the shores of the sea comes the end of our Fellowship.
 
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Falotar



Joined: 22 Jan 2001
Posts: 2579
Location: Yaro'on the Fair

 PostPosted: Sat Nov 13, 2004 12:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Day 2

Rattensford:
Any time now ... Ah, here we are. *Opens another panel into another secret passage, and is met by Cucarouche and the three Rogues.*
Rattensford: Agh! Capitalist swine! *Readies his halberd.* Prepare to die!
Shifty: I don't think so. *Aims his crossbow* Lock and load, boys.
Cucarouche: Wait! *Jumps between the two* Comrade, allow me ta introduce Comrade Shifty, Comrade Ytfihs, and Comrade Cherik.
Ytfihs: "Comrade"?
Rattensford: *raises an eyebrow* Cucarouche? You're with these humans?
Cucarouche: Yeah mon, we's cut a deal. Crazy Beer and Elfweed in exchange for guiding dem outta de sewers.
Rattensford: I see. And what, pray, are they doing in the sewers in the first place?
Ytfihs: Tryin' to get out? *Shifty smacks him.* Ow! Haven't you smacked me enough for one episode?
Shifty: I don't think so. Anyways, the real reason we're down here is to escape from Kayt and the DDN.
Rttensford: *lowers his halberd* Would that be Dar-Kayt the Vindicator?
Cherik: Yeah. We either had to come down here or get taken to DDN headquarters for "special treatment".
*Rattensford shudders.*
Rattensford: I can sympathize with your dilemma, Comrades. I was present at the DDN Spa episode. (See ToF: Elven Treachery) I was the only Ratman to escape alive -- and I still have scars from that.
Shifty: Well, much as we'd like to chat about our run-ins with these psychotic do-gooders, we've got business to attend to. Like getting out of here in one piece.
Rattensford: Hmmm. You know, Comrades, I'm beginning to like you. Unenlightened as you are, you seem to have a fundamental grasp of the principles expressed in the Sewerist Manifesto. Perhaps we can reach an agreement?
Ytfihs: How many Ratmen are goin' ta offer us "arrangements"?
Shifty: *smacks him* Shut up. Let's hear your proposition, Comrade.
Rattensford: Excellent. Comrade Cucarouche, pick up the pace. We can talk on the way out. *They start off down the secret passsage.* Now then, Comrade Shifty. The Union of Soviet Sewerist Ratmen has been getting complaints about Comrade Rhoden.
Shifty: And he would be - ?
Rattensford: Comrade Rhoden is the Chairman of the People's Committee in the Forumian Sewers. That is his proper title. However, we have heard rumours that he is styling himself "King of the Ratmen", a feudalistic title contrary to the principles of Moux. The union sent me and Comrade Cucarouche to investigate. We were very disturbed by what we found.
Cucarouche: You c'n say dat again, mon. Comrade Rhoden was cuttin' a deal with the surfacists and capitalists!
Shifty: So, what can we do for you?
Rattensford: The Union will be very displeased to learn of Rhoden's betrayal of his comrades. There will be a suitable reward for anyone who can, hm, bring him to justice.
Cherik: Reward? What kind of a reward?
Rattensford: Well ... for surface-dwellers like yourselves, I fear that the High Committee would be unable to give you a pecuniary reward.
Ytfihs: Eh?
Shifty: *smacks him* No gold, idiot. Why should we help you, then?
Rattensford: The Committee has other methods of rewarding those loyal to the cause, I assure you.
Cherik: Not just empty titles, I hope. I've heard you sewerists are always giving people awards and grand-sounding names without any real weight attached.
Rattensford: I assure you, honorary membership in the Union is no white elephant. As fellow members of the Cause, you would have free access to the sewers and all of our Rat Nests.
Ytfihs: Just what we've always wanted.
Rattensford: No more Rat attacks on your Guild.
Shifty: We don't have a Guild anymore.
Rattensford: Indeed? Then may i add that the Union would be more than happy to build you a new one - if you are willing to have yellow health-bars, that is?
Shifty: You mean, go rogue?
Ytfihs: we are Rogues.
Shifty: Moreso than now. You know, mavericks. Renegades. Not taking aorder from the -bleep-happy Adan all the time.
Rattensford: You'd still get all the perks of your profession, except for the occasional Explore Flag. There is also, of course, the minor detail of being attacked by other so-called "heroes", but if you're in trouble with the DDN, I'd say that that was a very minor detail indeed.
Shifty: The DDN's not the half of it. Every female hero in the land's after our blood.
Rattensford: Well then, Comrades, what say you? *The party halts. Cucarouche pushes a button on the wall and a section of brick slides around to reveal a chrome-and-mahogany elevator.* This elevator willl take you to Rat Nest #8, if you decline my offer. Or you can stay here, help me and Comrade Cucarouche kill Rhoden, and become happy member of the USSR. One last thing: the Committee may not give you gold directly, but I can promise you a generous share of my award in exchange for a life-time supply of Fervus Ale. 'Weed disgusts me, but Crazy Beer - ! So, make your decision.
_________________
"Death awaits you!" - Maester Seymour, from Squaresoft's Final Fantasy X[i]
 
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Shifty Coindrop



Joined: 21 Sep 2000
Posts: 204
Location: Duncanville, TX, USA

 PostPosted: Sat Nov 13, 2004 2:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Shifty: Pardon us while we have a conference.

(He gathers Ytfihs and Cherik around and they go off to one side of the passage to discuss the offer)

Ytfihs: Sewerists? Yellow Bars? Are ye crazy?
Cherik: I do agree with him Sir, that the prospects of being blatant Renegade Rogues will not bode well for our trade and existence. By being outside of Forumian jurisdiction, we are basically turning on a green light for the DDN and every other Guild we managed to infuriate with our video productions. Plus, the Sovereign may actually reward them for that effort. However, I do believe that having literal underground connections on the other hand will make our businesses that much more profitable.
Shifty: Explain.
Cherik: The Ratmen have a vast network that reaches throughout every inch of Ardania and perhaps beyond. Notice how no kingdom is truly safe from their presence?
Ytfihs: Yeah, I notice that.
Cherik: Well, if we manage to keep ourselves in the Sovereign's service and establish a good working relationship with the Ratmen on the side, just imagine all the possibilities Sirs: Virtually uninterceptable deliveries of bulk Crazy Beer and Elfweed to our customers; a new market for our wares in the Ratmen collective; secret albeit foul-smelling and sanitarily questionable passages to wherever we may have to go. And if we convince them to help out in the effort, we may actually be able to perfect a more up-to-date version of the legendary Pied Piper scam that Neddy No Cash attempted many years ago.
Ytfihs: So how are we goin' ta get our Guild back then?
Shifty: Simple. We either drill down Rhoden, or convince Adan that we had a part in taking him down. That and the Pokédrome means he owes us a free Level 2. And do you have the pictures of the safe and door?
Yfihs: Got 'em.
Shifty: Good... ASI will either have to pay off their Guarantee or give us their latest models for free. Either way we have it made. Shall we tell these two... gentleman of what we decide?
Cherik: A brilliant and somewhat exploitive compromise Sir.
Ytfihs: All right, let's go fer it.

(The Rogues go over to Rattensford and Cucarouche.)

Rattensford: Have you made your choice Comrades?
Shifty: (Starts drawing on Artifice as a balloon with a pair of talking heads pops up above him) Now Comrade, I believe I have come up with an alternate plan that will benefit both the Sewerists *and* the Guild of Forumia greatly.
Cucarouche: I'm alreddy likin' de sound of dat.
Rattensford: (Some of the Artifice is all ready taking effect) Go on...
Shifty: We'll help you take care of Rhoden-
Rattensford: Excellent...
Shifty: But we'll politely decline the membership.
Rattensford: What!?
Shifty: Let me finish. We've got something even better. Call it... a trade partnership.
Cucarouche: 'ey mon, if da trade involvs lotta Weed and Beer I'm all for it.
Rattensford: This sounds rather capitalist to me...
Shifty: Call it uncovering a newly found and "non-exploitive" resource pool in the Sewerist Republic. For one-thirds of the profit from the trades on top of the free Crazy Beer and Elfweed bonus, we would like to establish an underground courier service with the Republic to deliver all our goods throughout Ardania.
Cucarouche: I like dis, yah.
Rattensford: That would be quite a lot, yes...
Shifty: And for one half of the profits, we would like you two to be the officially licensed vendors of the Forumian Rogue's Guild merchandise in the Republic.
Cucarouche: Includin' da tapes!?
Shifty: Including the tapes.

(Rattensford is mulling over this, even while Cucarouche is tugging on his sleeve)

Cucarouche: Come on do it mon! Do it!
Shifty: And finally for two-thirds of the profit, we'd like to enlist the Republic's influence over giant rats for a Pest Control Scam.
Rattensford: Hmmm... very compelling. But I will require a contract written and signed before we begin with your proposals.
Shifty: Cherik will draw it up on our way to see Good King Rhoden.
Cherik: (Gets out a small laptop from the backpack and starts on the contract) On it Sir.
Cucarouche: Free Crazy Beer and Elfweed... mon, why are we Sewerists in de first place?

(And all five continue down the passageway.)
 
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Falotar



Joined: 22 Jan 2001
Posts: 2579
Location: Yaro'on the Fair

 PostPosted: Sat Nov 13, 2004 6:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

*Cut to the Ratling Room. Apprentices 1 and 2 have droppe dtheir swords into an attempt to wrench the little monsters from their faces. Apprentice #3 has fainted, and Kayt stands over her, warily eyeing the other mounds in the chamber.*
Kayt: Hurry up, you two!
Apprentice #1: It's - choking - me -
Apprentice #2: *manages to rip the tail from around her throat* Eeeeyaaaaaagh! *Spins around, holding the Ratling by its tail. Finally she releases it, and it flies across the room until it crashes into an old iron support.*
Apprentice #2: How revolting.
Apprentice #1: *choking*
Apprentice #2: )h, right. *runs over and pries the Ratling off of Apprentice #1's face.*
Apprentice #1: *gaps* Thanks. *choke*
Kayt: *eyes the mounds as about six start moving* Take Apprentice #3 and get out! Take that exit next to the cave-in!
Apprentice #2: Right. *She and Apprentice #1 pick up #3 and start dragging her towards the tunel. Kayt backs slowly after them. Suddenly the mounds burst, revealing hundreds of Ratlings.*
Kayt: Holy Dauros, grant me strength! Energies of Light! *She blasts the roiling mass of Ratlings with a Power Shock.*
Ratlings: Screeek! *About fifty die. The rest begin surging forward in a wave of naked bodies.*
Apprentice #3: *wakes up and sees the tide of Ratlings* EEEEEEKK!
Kayt: RUN! *The four dash out of the chamber, pursued by the tiny vermin.
They dash through the tunnels, pursued by the Ratlings. Every now and then, Kayt turns and blasts them. Instead of diminishing, however, the number of Ratlings continues to grow.*
Apprentice #1: They're coming out of the side-passages!
Apprentice #3: This is just like these alien movies where the heroes are pursued by a ravening horde of tiny, indestructible monsters.
Apprentice #2: At least we don't have some gentically-engineered super-monster coming after us.
Kayt: Save your breath! *Turns and blasts the Ratlings.*
Apprentice #2: What's that glow?
Kayt: It appears to be coming through half-open iron door.
*The Paladins put on extra speed and stumble through the rusty door. They throw themselves against it, and it slams shut just before the Ratlings get into the room.*
Apprentice #1: Hey, what's this? *Traces an outline in the rust.*
Apprentice #3: It likes like a Wizard's hat.
Kayt: Not just any Wizard's hat. See that nuclear symbol? This is a Cooker Warning Sign.
*Only then do they turn around, to see that the light is being given off by some phosphorescent green liquid inside a huge tube in the centre of the chamber. Suspended inside the tube there is a vast shape vaguely resembling a Ratman, but many times larger and covered with spikes.*
Apprentice #1: Um, #2, what did you say about genetically engineered super-monsters?
Kayt: Relax. As long as it's in there, it can't hurt us. *Looks around the chamber.* There are two other exits. Which shall we take?

*In another part of the sewers, Loralty, Embris, Eidola and TaleSpinner continue to search for the exit.*
TaleSpinner: Corr, we've been walkin' for hours!
Loralty: I doubt that.
Embris: Will you two shut up? We're bound to find some way out, sooner or later.
*Loralty thinks nostalgically about the Soft Voice. Even a mysterious, bandaged figure is better then being stuck in the sewers with a party of religious rivals.*
Embris: What was that?
Loralty: Ah, just thinking aloud.
TaleSpinner: Oh, I do that all the time.
Eidola: *excitedly* So do I! We should form a club or something!
Embris: How can you think aloud when you can't think at all?
TaleSpinner: Say, what's that up ahead?
*Embris lifts her Darkfire Mace and shines it on an old iron door.*
Embris: *reading* "Cooker's Genetics Lab #3".
Eidola: Cooker? Isn't he the one looking for Solarii?
Embris: Shut up, you. Hm, it seems to be abandoned.
TaleSpinner: Right. *Dashes towards the door, blade-stick swinging.* YAAAAAA!
*The door crashes down and slides into the room beyond. The four Heroes blink as a green light floods out of the room. There is a cracking sound.*
Embris: What has that stupid WoD done now?
*They walk into the room. Embris and Kayt spot each other.*
Kayt: Solarii! You'll wish you'd never challenged Kayt the Vindicator!
Embris: We'll see, you techno-trashing freak!
Loralty: Ah, we have more important problems. *He points at the tube. The iron door has collided with its base. Green liquid is leaking out of a system of minute cracks that have spread over its surface. Suddenly the whole thing shatters. The mutated Ratman within slumps to the ground. Then, two monstrous red eyes open. The mutant sniffs the air.*
TaleSpinner: It's alive!
Apprentices: Run Away!
Kayt: *glaring at Embris* Dauros has spared you ... for now.
Loralty: Can we get out of here -
Mutant Ratman: *roars*
*The Heroes all scream and head for the last exit. The MR sniffs again, then springs after them.*
_________________
"Death awaits you!" - Maester Seymour, from Squaresoft's Final Fantasy X[i]
 
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Cooker



Joined: 20 Mar 2000
Posts: 1710

 PostPosted: Sat Nov 13, 2004 8:16 pm    Post subject: hyperspace "jump?" Reply with quote Back to top

The battle for Forumia has ended of surface. The rat army, for some reason has withdrawn into the sewer for the time being. Cooker was chewing on a CFC chicken sandwich when He saw Sister Mew racing towards him.

Sister Mew “Loralty is under attack”
Cooker “How do you know?”
Sister Mew “Dart, I am still considered a follower, remember?”
Cooker “Always overlooks the obvious”
Sister Mew “Just something you would do.”
Cooker “Do you want me to come along to mess everything up… err, wait, no, to save Loralty?”
Sister Mew “Feel free.”
Cooker “Just another day of work”

Embris’s PDA started to beep.
Embris *in a tone common to Ensigns in Sci-fi movies* “Enemy unit emerging from hyperspace.”
Loralty / Kayt / Apprentice 1/ 2/ 3
“Holy Beep!”

A large teleport portal appears between heroes and the charging monstrosity.
Portal *muffled voice one* “Hyperspace coordinate locked in.”
Portal *muffled voice two* “Hyperspace jump initiating.”

And then, to the surprise of everyone on the stage (since camera crew aren’t usually surprised.) Cooker and Sister Mew materialize out of the portal, in middle air, upside down.
"Opps"

*Wham*
Cooker “Didn’t know the Ratman use different coordinate system down here.”
Sister Mew *points to giant rat trying to squeeze into the corridor* “I think some things are more urgent then coordinate systems.”
Cooker “That looks familiar”
Mutated Ratman *blood curing scream*
 
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Falotar



Joined: 22 Jan 2001
Posts: 2579
Location: Yaro'on the Fair

 PostPosted: Sat Nov 13, 2004 8:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Cooker: Analysis of this situation: bad to grim. 40% chance of survival.
Mutant Ratman: *tears into the tunnel* ROOOOOOOOAR!
Cooker;[/]b Wait, change analysis to 35% - no, 20% -
[b]Sister Mew:
Forget the analyses!
*They take off and catch up to the other heroes.*
Embris: Cooker! If we get out of this alive, I'll boil you in the Solacranum!
Kayt: My sentiments exactly.
Eidola: Oh, Cooker! Are you still looking for Solarii?
Cooker: No, but are you volunteering?
Embris: Shut up, Eidola ...
Sister Mew: Hello again, Loralty.
Loralty: Ah, hello -- do I know you?
Sister Mew: Don't you recognize me?
Loralty: *looking her over as they run down the passage* A white-robed Priestess? I do not believe I -- wait a minute. *Reads her name.* Sister Mew? Is it possible that - ?
Sister Mew: Bingo.
Apprentice #2: Uh, guys, we've got problems. *They come to a dead-end.*
Kayt: All right then. We stand and fight.
*The heroes gulp and turn to face the rampaging Mutant.*
Kayt: Energies of Light! *A Power Shock blasts the MR. Nothing happens, except that it snarls, displaying a cavernous maw.*
Cooker: Now I remember! I created Munchkin in order to capture Black Phantoms for Demon #666 ... only I had to abandon the project because the Netherworld cut the funding. Munchkin has a Resistance of 95+. Plus a Parry of 80, I believe ...
Kayt: "Munchkin"?
Eidola: What a cute name!
Munchkin: RAAAAAAAAARR! *Prepares to spring*
Sister Mew: You know, I think this wall is fake.
Cooker: *does a quick scan* You're right; but how did you know?
Sister Mew: Residual psychic powers. I detected a presence on the other side of this wall.
Kayt: Hm, yes, now that you mention it, Evil Is Near. I wonder that I didn't feel it before.
Embris: Possibly because that thing was occupying our programming?
Apprentice #3: *backed up against the wall* Great -- now, how do we get through?
Cooker: Simple. I'll just cast Fireball and -
*The wall slides away.*
Embris: What the - ?
Eidola: I think I pushed some sort of button. Is that bad?
Embris: No, stupid. It's the best thing you've ever done.
*The Mutant Ratman takes a sweep at them, reducing all of their hitpoints by half. They quickly go through the secret entrance, which closes behind them. Their are sounds of growling as the MR tears to claw through the wall.
Cooker: I estimate that this structure will be demolished in 2.7 minutes.
Embris: then let's go!
bored Voice: Hold it. *A light comes on to reveal a Shaman sitting at a desk in the chamber they are now in.* Do you have an appointment?
Loralty: Appointment?
Shaman: Yeah, to see 'Is Majesty, King Rhoden. I'm his secretary. No audiences without an appointment.
TaleSpinner: *raises his hand* I have a blade-stick. Does that count.
Shaman: *takes a good look at the Heroes* Eep! Humans! *Hits a button on her desk. Red lights flash and a siren goes off. The Shaman dashes away into the shadows.*
_________________
"Death awaits you!" - Maester Seymour, from Squaresoft's Final Fantasy X[i]
 
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Cooker



Joined: 20 Mar 2000
Posts: 1710

 PostPosted: Sat Nov 13, 2004 10:15 pm    Post subject: heheh Reply with quote Back to top

Heroes *collectively* “AFTER HIM” *runs after the secretary*

Cooker *turns around to face the monstrosity heroically.
Heroic music in the background* “I will NOT be defeated, improved visibility!”
A giant neon light appears over cooker’s head, with an arrow pointing downwards at him and the letter “I am HERE.”

Mutated Rat: “ROAR”
Cooker: “Bigby’s Middle finger!”
A giant hand appears and gave the rat the finger.
Teenage Mutant Ninja rat: “ROAR” *Burst further into the tunnel.*

Cooker: “Stinking Crowd”
Street Urchin #126 “Wha u wan me d0”
Street Urchin #152 “Who u wan me kil1.”
Cooker: *gestures the rat*
Street Urchin #24 “I need new pants”
Street Urchin #162 “I am not getting paid enough for this”
Street Urchins *collectively* “Run away!” *runs away*

So there he was, standing alone in the dark corridor, staring down at the advancing monstrosity, illuminated only by the light bulb atop his staff.

Camera crew #1 “Does anyone else think this is getting crèche?”
Camera crew #2 “When wasn’t this entire show a huge rip-off”
Camera crew #3 “At least we don’t lie about it.”

Cooker “Summon motivational speaker”
Motivational speaker: “Behold heroes, this is our time for the darkest hour of the night comes right before the dawn!”
TMNR whacks the motivational speaker.
Motivational speaker: “Garr” *dies*

Cooker “Ray of froth”
A ghostly white ray shot forth, impact the TMNR, but like monsters in sci-fi movies, this one is immure to rays. The TMNR advanced further by tearing down more of the structure. Lucky the party of heroes is now a good distance away.

Cooker “Otto's Irresistable Dance”
A blinding flash of light …
The underground passage way is suddenly transformed into a classy disco club. Cooker and TMNR started to dance unaware of cracks spreading across the entire superstructure under the disco club illusion.

The heroes pressed forward unaware of the great rumbling issue forth from behind
 
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Lurn



Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 226

 PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2004 11:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Lurn, waking up some minutes after Cooker dealt with the ratmen army he had accidentally created, scrambled up and cast a scrying. In only a few seconds, he saw a moldy tomato in South Klackey-nicket (a continent far to the west of Ardania), an out-of-control mechanical rodent in Dirgle'Shna (a little to the south of Klackey-nicket), someone running from an exploding ten-kilometer cucumber in a Void-like Area Somewhere In Unknown Space And Time, but more importantly he saw where Cooker was, and that he was in need of help against a Totally Mutant Nuggety Rabbit (or so Lurn thought then).

Concentrating, Lurn attempted to teleport himself to Cooker again; but as might be expected, that was not the result.

Instead, Lurn accidentally projected the out-of-control mechanical rodent in Dirgle'Shna into the battle. It began running towards the TMNR.

When he tried yet again, an instant later, the moldy tomato in South Klackey-nicket directly above Cooker's head.
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Why is that? Question mark."
 
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TaleSpinner



Joined: 08 Sep 2000
Posts: 2018
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

 PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2004 9:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

(Cyberlore Offices)

SovJ: Well, every -bleep!-ing thing seems to be in order - thanks for filling in for me while I was on holiday, Seth.
Seth: (nervous smile) Uh.. sure, Jay, anytime.
SovJ: (frowns) Hmm... I know that look - you've gone and done something to -bleep!- up the -bleep!-ing game, haven't you?
Seth: (shocked look) Why, Jay! How can you say such a thing!?
SovJ: (suspicious) Maybe I am over-reacting. Oh well, let's take a look..

(Jay takes the mouse and scrolls around. Scenes of carnage and various signs of devastation scroll past the screen.)

SovJ: (muttering) Ah, well that's -bleep!-ing normal. Looks like no -bleep!- out of the ordinary has-

(Suddenly spots a Rat Shaman fighting a single warrior. The warrior charges as the Shaman flips up a card. Immediately, a Rock Golem appears out of nowhere.)

Warrior: (gapes) Call the re-inforce- (squich!)
SovJ: That's odd - I don't remember Summon Rock Golem as part of a -bleep!-ing Rat Shaman's repertoire of -bleep!-ing spells - waita-bleep!-ing minute!

(Jay looks around his office. He hadn't noticed it before, due to the piles of empty pizza boxes, beer cans and cigarette butts everywhere, but here and there are empty sachets of Magic: The Gathering (tm) plastic card wrappers.)

SovJ: (slowly turns to find his office door already swinging in the wind caused by the haste of Seth's departure) SETH! GET BACK HERE YOU -BLEEP!-ING -BLEEP!- -BLEEP!-!!!! SEEETTHHH!!!!!
 
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Lurn



Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 226

 PostPosted: Tue Nov 16, 2004 11:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Ooops!, thought Lurn as he realized what he had done. Wel, better concentrate this time . . .

Despite his normal failure, this time he actually managed to teleport himself into the disco battle. Unfortunately, he dropped directly on top of what he once thought was a Totally Mutant Nuggety Rabbit (that was in fact a Teenage Mutatant Ninja Rat). Lurn was sadly mistaken.

In fury, the TMNR threw Lurn across the corridor at Cooker.

Lurn fell unconscious before he even began his dangerous flight, and didn't even manage to say "Ooops" first.
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"It simply doesn't happen. Period.
Why is that? Question mark."
 
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Falotar



Joined: 22 Jan 2001
Posts: 2579
Location: Yaro'on the Fair

 PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2004 9:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Malfunctioning Mechanical Rat: Doing! *Begins hopping on one foot towards the Mutant.*
Cooker: Interesting design. I must scan - *The mouldy tomato splatters all over Cooker.*
Apprentice #3: How many of those things are going to appear?
Loralty: Hm? *Looks up from the wall he was inspecting, and winces at the disco of destruction.*
TMNR: Groar! *Attempts to lunge at the MMR, but does a complicated move with its tail instead.*
TaleSpinner: *watching avidly* Corr! I'd like to be able to do that!
Embris: *voice dripping acid* Grow a tail.
MMR: Boing-SCREE! *Wraps it's long, prehensile tail around the TMNR's neck.*
Cooker: *wiping mouldy tomato off his face* Oh no! Munchkin! Only I may defeat you!
*Lurn materializes and lands on the TMNR. Between this and the MMR, the Mutant seems to lose its last ties to reality.*
TMNR: GRAAAAHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE! *Snatches the unconscious Lurn and throws him at Cooker.*
Cooker: *spell-casting* Abder- *Lurn crashes into him. Cooker's staff flies through the air, embedding itself in the ceiling. Sparks start to fall from it.*
Kayt: This ... could be very bad.
Apprentice: Is that thing laughing? *Stares at the TMNR.*
TMNR: KREEHEEHEEHEEHEE! *Rips the MMR into shreds, which it throws like shuriken towards the heroes.*
Kayt: Energies of Light! *Shrapnel/shuriken bounce off her Shield of Light."
Loralty: Ohmni-yah! *Catches eight shrapnel/shuriken between his fingers.
TaleSpinner: *stares in amazement as his Razor Harness picks up a score of new ... implements*
Apprentices: Yowch! Ow! Ah! Yowch! Ow! Ah! *ad infinitum*
TMNR: *leaps over the mass of Cooker, tomato and Lurn* KYEEHEEHEEHEE! *glares about at the heroes, who cower against the walls*
Eidola: Um, Fire Hammer? *A shapeless mass of flames forms and flies towards the Mutant, which ducks. The "hammer" keeps going, and crashes into Cooker's sparking staff. The spell is absorbed. The staff begans hissing, sending a cascade of sparks down on Cooker and Lurn.*
Kayt: I stand corrected. Now this is very bad.
Loralty: I believe I said that earlier.
Kayt: Be quiet, hereti-


*KA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!!!-CRACK! RUMBLE! KKKKSHHHHHHHH ...*


Embris: Great Solacranum of Rendishire - !
*The tunnel collapses, burying Cooker, Lurn, and the TMNR in a huge mound of rubble and refuse.*
Kayt: Well, that takes care of that. Now -
Loralty: *peering at the rubble* Enma? Yama?
*The two monks rise from the mound like wraiths of judgement. The effect is somewhat spoiled, however, by the grime covering their robes.*
Enma and Yama: *their voices are somewhat out of synch* Oh, where are we? What happened?
Kayt: *horrified* Enma! Yama! Don't -
Enma and Yama: What? *They stare at Kayt, and their faces light up* Ah, Dar-Kayt! How pleased we are ... to see ... *They take in TaleSpinner and the two Solarii.*
Apprentice #1: They spoke in front of unbelievers!
Apprentice #2: They've broken their oath!
Apprentice #3: Ye gods! The Senior Inquisitors -- oathbreakers!
Enma and Yama: *gulp*
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"Death awaits you!" - Maester Seymour, from Squaresoft's Final Fantasy X[i]
 
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Cooker



Joined: 20 Mar 2000
Posts: 1710

 PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2004 10:25 pm    Post subject: lol Reply with quote Back to top

The rubble shook and the TMNR burst out, still dancing.
Apprentice #1 *finally ending her string of Wow and Ouches* “OK I had enough.”
Apprentice #2 “Why do nameless characters suffer constantly”
Sister Mew “Err, because they are not supposed to have any importance?”
Apprentice #3 “shut up”
TMNR *continues disco move towards the party, which is mesmerized by its elaborate dance moves*

Apprentice #1 “We, the nameless cannon folders, should senselessly slaughter those with names for absolutely no reason at all!”
Apprentice #2 “like how they threat us!”
Motivational Speaker “Rise champions, avenge in the names of those who has none! The end of arrogance is neigh”

Sister Mew: “Err, how you would do something in the names of those who have none?”
Apprentices #1 “shut up, let him finish”

Motivational speaker “blah… Is blah of blah, the blah of blah will blah … blah?”
TMNR wracks the motivational speaker
Motivational speaker *dies again*

Apprentice #1/2/3 “CHARRRGE” *make mince meat out of TMNR*

Apprentice #1 “That was random”
Apprentice #2 “I feel, so … clam”
Apprentice #3 “Second that, I am totally vented”

Heroes with names "Holy bleep!"
 
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Cooker



Joined: 20 Mar 2000
Posts: 1710

 PostPosted: Thu Nov 18, 2004 10:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

To the astonishment of the party, Cooker blasted out of the debris with a thundering spell.

Cooker “Cooker the white I was called, now I am Cooker the black and blue…”
That’s when everyone noticed that he is being badly cut and bruised in various places…
Cooker “I return to you now at turn of the tide …”
Suddenly all sewers reverse flow direction, to add the dramatic element.
Cooker “I think this tale is getting too long, if we continue … adventuring, we can’t fit it in 5 pages, which is totally not cool.”
Cooker “So that’s finish this.”
Sister Mew “Your staff …”
Cooker “I have to improvise.”

Terminator Music suddenly begins to play in the background. Cooker’s class suddenly changes to “terminator”.
Cooker *in resounding, mechanical voice* “Analyzing, Objective is termination”

Cooker’s left forearm begin firing power shock in rapid 3 shot bursts. The power spheres then impact the far wall, and explode in humongous, 150-200 damage blue mushroom clouds.

Heroes / Nameless cannon folders / Loud voices “Holy Bleep!”
 
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Venstar Trailblazer



Joined: 27 Apr 2003
Posts: 600
Location: Harrisburg,PA

 PostPosted: Fri Nov 19, 2004 12:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

(Galen and Concus are seen running down the hallway.)
Concus: Stop it! Stop it right now.(Cooker jumps around in shock to see the flat side of Concus's Blade Stick.)
Cooker: (Looks around, wozy) The board is set, the pieces are moving. (He falls over, passed out.)
Galen: (Looks at a door up ahead, labled "Rhoden's Chamber.") I have an odd feeling that is where we should be heading.
TaleSpinner: I was thinking that exact same thing.
Galen: TaleSpinner? I can't believe it's you!
(Galen and TaleSpinner stare at eachother, saying "Hey." for about five minutes.)
Concus: Can we just kill Rhoden all ready!?
Loralty: Yes. I agree with the WoD.
Galen: Which one?
Loralty: The vengful one.
Concus: Aka... Me.
Galen: Are you sure, because I am feeling like I need to hurt the one who hurt that wall. I hope you all know that was not nice... not nice at all.
Concus: Yes, I'm right. I'm always right.
(Galen and Concus exchange looks of anger.)
Shifty: Can we (BLEEP)in go already.
(The group slowly walks towards the door for a dramatic effect. Concus opens the door and runs in screaming, along with the rest of the heroes.)
Concus: Where is he?
Loralty: Is that him over there? (Points to a furry lump on the floor. The door slams behind them. Everyone looks around, bewildered.)
TaleSpinner: (Scared) Hello? Is someone there?
Mysterious Voice: Ofcourse. (The group starts looking for the source of the voice.) Can't you guess who this is?
Concus: Oddly familiar...
Mysterious Voice: Galen the Insane II, is that you?
Galen: Y...Ye...Yes.
MV: The last time I saw you was when you were a baby, just before your father left to look for adventure.
Concus: How did you know my son?
MV: You don't know? (A ranger walks out of the shadows.)
Loralty: Who are you, and what do you want with us.
(The ranger looks up, revealing his face.)
Concus: Well I'll be (BLEEP)ed, its...
MV: Venstar, Venstar Trailblazer.
Everyone: Holy (BLEEP).
Cooker: (Has now woken up, opened the door, and walked back in.) Scanning: War Hero. What's this... you're supposed to be dead!
Venstar: (Smiles, then walks back to the furry lump in the back, and it up by the head, revealing that it is Rhoden. His mouth is in shock, with a dagger in the middle of his eyes.) My soul has been wondering these sewers since that fateful day.
Galen: One question.
Venstar: As long as it has nothing to do with my death...
Galen: What is that notch into the wall up by the ceiling? (Points to a notch in the wall with two trophies in it.)
Venstar: That is where the Ratmen's Choirs Trophies would be, if they had won any. With that over... my work is done, so, I bid you a goodbye. (Venstar waves to the heroes, as an odd inside breezes hits them. Venstar turns into dust and flies away in the wind.)
Galen: Balls.
Loralty:What?
Galen: I'm sorry, just lightening the mood.
(Everyone looks at eachother looks at eachother and says goodbye.)

THE END
_________________
Gimli:Never thought I'd die fighting side by side with an Elf.
Legolas:What about side by side with a friend?
Gimli:Aye. I could do that.

Gandalf:Here at last, on the shores of the sea comes the end of our Fellowship.
 
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