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 PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 2:56 pm    Post subject: ToF: Flame Wars Reply with quote Back to top

Tales of Forumnia: Freestyle Quests

Flame Wars

Cast List (in order of appearance):

Jay Adan/Loud Voice #1
(Cyberlore play-tester/Sovereign of Forumnia)
Seth Spaulding/Loud Voice #2 (Royal Rat Catcher)
"Don" Yuan Bluestar (Elven Casanova/Owner and CEO of Bluestar Enterprises)
Tenba Silversheen (Elven Ninja/Member of the Bluestar Triad)
Veri Voluptuous (Elven Cabaret Dancer/Wife of Trog)
Kitsune HeartStealer (Elven Ninja/Member of the Bluestar Triad)
Gearmusic Shift (Chief Techelf for Yuan/President of Elven Counter-Cooker Research Society)
Concus Insane (Warrior of Discord/Head of the EDDNA)
Veti Insane (Cultist/Member of EDDNA)
Galen the Insane II (Warrior of Discord/Member of EDDNA)
Bob the Insane One (Monk/Top Assassin of EDDNA)
Clarely Insane (Paladin/Mother of Veti, Galen and Bob/Member of EDDNA)
Lag Jr. (Elf/Son of Lag)
Lag (Elf)
Lurn (Wizard of Chaos)
Comrade Cucarouche (Ratman/Member of the USSR)
TaleSpinner the Mildly Insane (Warrior of Discord)
Comrade Rattensford (Ratman Champion/Member of the USSR)
Cooker the Mighty (Megalomaniac Dwarven Wizard)
Rock Golem/Prima Princess (Titanic Rules Lawyer)
Eleanor the Vigilant (Paladin/Head of the Forumnian Chapter of the DDN)
Kayt the Vindicator (Paladin/Chief Tracker for the DDN)
Clarina, Holy Reporter (Paladin/Top reporter for The Trumpet of Dauros)
Justine the Stalwart (Paladin/Member of the DDN Elite Counter-Strike Squad)
Annette the Keen (Paladin/Member of the DDN Elite Counter-Strike Squad)
Edwina, Fist of Dauros Paladin/Member of the DDN Elite Counter-Strike Squad)
Loralty the Talkative One (Monk/Falotar alter-ego)
Sister Mew (Psychic, white-robed Priestess/Wife of Loralty)
Saturninus the Unobserved One (Monk/Grand Inquisitor of the Daurosian Inquisition)
Shifty Coindrop (Guildmaster of the Forumnian Rogues' Guild)
Ytfihs Pordnioc (Rogue)
Cherik of Keldurn (Rogue)

Special Guest Star:

Darth Fuego
(Arson-happy Sith Lord)

ToF would like to thank our sponsors and the following organizations:

Cyberlore Discussion Forums
(Long live Cyberlore!)
The Empire (Feel the power of the Dark Side.)
Bluestar Enterprises (Elven megaconglomerate. Go figure.)
Don Yuan Lounge Company (New Exclusive Offer: Full body massages for only g500! (Members only))
Ex-Dauros Divine Network Agency (EDDNA) (Feel the power of the Insane Side.)
Union of Soviet Sewerist Ratmen (USSR) (Welcome to the People's Republic of the Sewers.)


*Cyberlore play-testing office. Jay Adan is scrolling around the map of Ardania.*
Jay Adan: Not another -bleep-ing Quest. -Bleep-ing victory conditions, -bleep-ing errors -- -bleep-ing everything that -bleep-ing goes along with it! I'm -bleep-ing tired of the whole -bleep-ing -bleep-!
Seth Spaulding: Why don't you play a Freestyle game?
Jay: You know, that's not a -bleep-ing bad idea. A nice break from all the -bleep-s in those Epic Quests. I might actually be able to cut back on my blood pressure medications. I -bleep-! Bathroom break. Seth, set me up, okay? AND NO TRICKS! My psychiatrist says I get too much stress already.
Seth: Why, Jay, you wound me. When have I ever set you wrong or messed up your game?
Jay: I've lost track.
*Sound of a door closing. Seth sniggers as he opens the Freestyle Game Settings screen. He enters in the settings, then hits the Begin Quest button. There is a sound of a toilet flushing.*
Jay: Well?
Seth: It's all ready. You just have to collect 50,000 gold. Like in Deal With a Demon, only there's no time limit.
Jay: Ah, nice and -bleep-ing easy for a change. Thanks, Seth. I really appreciate this.
Seth: Any time, Jay.
*Walks off, sniggering.*

Day 0

*Meanwhile, the Don Yuan Lounge is still in sub-orbital space, along with the attached North-Northwest Tower of Borjin's Keep (see The Seige). Yuan Bluestar, the Lounge's owner, is sitting in the front palour, idly watching two other Elves play a card game.*
Tenba Silversheen: Draw Lounge, tap Borjin's Keep, summon Yuan Bluestar. *A miniature Yuan appears on the table, in front of a black Palace.*
Veri Voluptuous: Those are actual cards?
Tenba: Just drew them up. The illustrations are exquisite, don't you think?
*Another Elf walks in, idly twirling a pair of daggers.*
Kitsune HeartStealer: Still showing off, I see. Why don't you play a real card game?
Tenba: What could be more real than Majesty: The Gathering Third Edition?
Kitsune: Whatever. Mr. Bluestar, the pilot would like a word with you. He says it's urgent.
Yuan: It's always urgent.
*A minute later, in the Lounge's control room.*
Gearmusic Shift: Sir, we seem to be approaching that moon. *Indicates the outside view monitor, which shows a large grey sphere.
Yuan: *snorts delicately as he examines the monitor* Ardania doesn't have a moon. Day/night cycles were never programmed into the game.
Gear: Technically, Ardania doesn't have sub-orbital space, either.
Yuan: Stuff it, Gear. We both know that this is really the Maj.exe file.
Gear: Then why is there a moon in it?
Yuan: You tell me. Wait a minute. What are those? *He points at several shapes that have just detached from the bottom of the sphere.*
Gear: Meteors? *He zooms in the picture, and his eyes widen.* Holy Fervus! Those are dropships! That's no moon -- it's a space station!
Yuan: Impossible. Only Bluestar Enterprises and Cooker have space-faring capabilities. That's hardly a Cooker device.
Gear: Believe what you want to, Mr. Bluestar, but we're in big trouble.
*Having waited for him to say this, a large door slides open in the side of the sphere. The Lounge and the attached Tower are drawn inexorably towards it.*
Gear: See?
Yuan: Shut up. You never say "I told you so" to an Elflord.

Last edited by Falotar on Wed Dec 15, 2004 8:51 pm; edited 3 times in total
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 PostPosted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 3:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

*The screen is filled with the CNN-A News logo, then clears to show the impassive face of Sister Gloom.*
Sister Gloom: This is a CCN special broadcast. I am Sister Gloom, reporting live from the scene of what may be the first extraterrestrial landing in Forumnian history. *Camera pans to show three giant metal spacecraft, each painted black and red. They are surrounded by City and Palace Guards.* These three spacecraft landed early this morning. Sovereign Jay has been unavailable for comment, but we do have with us Mr. W. H. Thesis, Head Astrologist of the Royal Forumnian Wizards' Guild. Mr. Thesis, what explanation can you give for the sudden appearance of these spacecraft? *Camera shifts to Thesis, who looks exactly like any other Wizard except for the star-shaped rims of his spectacles.*
Thesis: I object to their being called spacecraft. Without conducting the necessary tests, these objects may be no more than astronomical debris. My own opinion is that these are meteorites from a galaxy far, faw away, and that they have knocked out of orbit by a collapsing neutron star.
Sister Gloom: And the lettering? *Camera pans to the spacecraft again. "Property of the Empire" is written on them in bright red.*
Thesis: Pure coincidence. What appear to be letters are actually scratches left by other meteors that they collided with in transit to Forumnia.
*Suddenly hatches slide open in the sides of the craft. Soldiers dressed in red body armour and armed with flamethrowers begin pouring out.*
Magma Trooper Sergeant: Clear the area! Kill the -bleep-s! Make them suffer!
Magma Troopers: Yes sir! *They begin to torch the Guards.*
Palace Guard #9602: ARRRRRRRRRGH! *Runs off in flames.*
Stoned Veteran Guards #1&2: *singing* We're on fire ...
Sister Gloom: What do you have to say about this development, Mr. Thesis?
*Camera moves to focus on Thesis, but he has disappeared. Camera goes back to the dropships. The lead ship disgorges one final person: a man in black body armour with an elaborate helmet and face mask and a high pressure tank on his bank. Connected to the tank by a long slender hose is what appears to be an elaborate sword hilt. Cue Imperial Theme.*
Masked Figure: Cease fire! Sergeant! Is the area secure?
MT Sergeant: Yes, sir, it's safe to come o- *Darth Fuego points at him and he falls over, clutching at his throat.*
Masked Figure: I didn't ask whether it was safe, I asked whether it was secure. Insubordinate fool. *He turns his head as Sister Gloom walks up, trailed by her Skeleton Camera Crew.* What is this?
Sister Gloom: CNN Ardania, live. *The camera focuses on the figure, showing his name: Darth Fuego. Imperial Theme hits climax.* I am Sister Gloom, and I would like to ask you a few questions.
Darth Fuego: Fire away. *The Magma Troopers begin heating up their flamethrowers.* Not you, you idiots!
Magma Trooper #34: Oh. Sorry.
Sister Gloom: I see your name is Darth Fuego. Would you mind telling our viewers a little more about yourself.
Darth Fuego: Not at all. I am Darth Fuego, a level 50 Sith Lord. I have doctorates in Mindless Destruction and Dark Side Proselytizing.
Sister Gloom: How did you come to be called "Darth Fuego"?
Darth Fuego: "Darth" is an ominous-sounding titles that all Sith Lords use to intimidate their foes. I was named Fuego when, as an apprentice, I set fire to the cake and a few guests at the Emperor's birthday party.
Sister Gloom: Emperor?
Darth Fuego: Palpitine. Stupid name, if you ask me. He gets killed anyway, due to a fluke in the script.
Sister Gloom: Excuse me for saying so, but, as a villain, isn't he supposed to die?
Darth Fuego: That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. The Dark Side always triumphs. Only that fool Lucas had to rewrite the story to satisfy his audience.
Sister Gloom: I see. What do you intend to do in Forumnia?
Darth Fuego: The Imperial forces have two objectives for Operation: Forumnia. First, we will destroy civilization as you know it, using our advanced flame-throwing technology and mastery of foul language and pointless name-calling. Second, we will locate the Master.
Sister Gloom: The Master? Who is the Master?
Darth Fuego: The Master is a dark, sinister, and totally evil creature who will lead the Empire to new heights of glory and drive Lucasfilms out of business.
Sister Gloom: Where is the Master?
Darth Fuego: Somewhere on this map. I do not know his name or exact location, but i do know that the Force will guide me to him.
Sister Gloom: I see. Do you have any message for our viewers?
*Camera zooms in on his mask.*
Darth Fuego: Yes. Citizens of Forumnia! Prepare to experience an age of darkness and destruction unlike any you have known before! Your city will become nothing but a charred wasteland where the only sounds will be the screams of the dying; the only smells those of burning gasoline! The Dark Side will consume you!
*Camera shifts back to Sister Gloom.*
Sister Gloom: This has been Sister Gloom, reporting for CCN Ardania. We will provide you with further updates as they become available.
"Death awaits you!" - Maester Seymour, from Squaresoft's Final Fantasy X[i]
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 PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 7:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

(On the hill, overlooking the city, stand the EDDNA army, lead by Concus Insane, Galen the Insane II, Veti Insane, Clarely Insane, Bob the Insane One, Lag, and Lag jr.)
Concus Insane: Stupid Dark Side... interupting our raid on a Key Cities in the Campain!
Veti Insane: If it is destroyed, why is that a problem, we would have done it anyway.
Galen the Insane II: You are so wise brother.
Bob the Insane One: (slaps Galen upside the head) You are a retard...
Clarely Insane: Don't talk about my baby like that!
Bob: I am your baby too!
Lag jr: (Looking at Lag) All children should be loved.
Lag: What!? I do love you.
Lag jr: I am not speaking with you.
Lag: Teenagers! Especially an Elf!
Concus: Can we stay on task! Lag, hack into their systems!
Lag: Yes sir... (His voice trails off, a voice is heard in Concus's head.)
Darth Feugo: Hello... is this thing on? Is this the master?
Concus: Who is this? (Everyone looks at him, confused.)
Darth Feugo: This is Darth Feugo! Lord of the Sith! I am looking for the master to lead us against Forumnia! Our namecalling powers will destroy all... that and our flamethrowers.
Concus: Oh... yes... yes! I SHALL LEAD YOU AGAINST THE ARMIES OF THE DDN! (Peopl start moving away from Concus.)
Darth Feugo: The DDN?
Darth Feugo: Our conquest.
Concus: Our conquest... I meant our.
Galen: You here the voices to!?
Concus: Oh, no, this one was real.
Galen: Oh... they always are.
Veti: You two need to shut the (Bleep!) up.
Bob: Something we agree on!
Concus: Everyone, we are heading for the city!
Clare: But... the battle is over. It is not our victory.
Concus: Those things that came out of the Spaceships... that is our renforcements! (A demonic smile comes over Concus's face. The army moves down to the city.)
Gimli:Never thought I'd die fighting side by side with an Elf.
Legolas:What about side by side with a friend?
Gimli:Aye. I could do that.

Gandalf:Here at last, on the shores of the sea comes the end of our Fellowship.
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 PostPosted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 9:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

*The Magma Troopers are assembled outside Forumnia. All hold their flamethrowers up to salute as Darth Fuego sweeps past. One blinks, and Fuego immediately points at him. As the Trooper falls to the ground choking, Fuego turns and addresses them.*
Darth Fuego: We have found the Master!
Magma Troopers: Yeah!!!!
Darth Fuego: Now, we all know what to do?
Magma Troopers: -BLEEP- THE -BLEEP-S!!!
*Sovereign Jay, happily constructing another Wall Street, hears the yell. He hits the back-space button, and gapes at the screen for seven long seconds. Then - *
Loud Voice #1: SEEEEEEEEEEEEETH!!!!!!!!!
*Everyone in Forumnia is temporarily deafened, except for Darth Fuego thanks to his helmet's sound filtering system. He unholsters his swordhilt, and immediately a searing gout of flame erupts from it. He waves it threw the air, causing splash damage to nearby Magma Troopers.*
Darth Fuego: In the name of the Master! Attack, attack, attack!
Magma Troopers: -BLEEP- THE -BLEEP-S!
*The Magma Troopers charge the city, Darth Fuego with his blazing weapon at their forefront.*
"Death awaits you!" - Maester Seymour, from Squaresoft's Final Fantasy X[i]
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 PostPosted: Thu Dec 09, 2004 7:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Lurn sipped some peppermint tea (he was acquiting quite a taste for it), as he walked down the street. He saw a dark figure with a little name plate (saying 'Darth Fuego: Lord of the Sith') waving a lightsa -- um, flaming sword.

"Hello, Mr. -" he looks at the name plate "- Darth Fuego: Lord of the Sith. Let me guess; you're here to conquer this town. I'd really rather you didn't --"

Fuego raised his flame sword, and Lurn realized Mr. Darth Fuego wasn't a very friendly person. Quickly, Lurn tried to cast Fireshield, but a malfunction in the programming caused him to levitate at a rapid speed.

Lurn attempted to slow down, but he ended up just going side-ways. Finally, after struggling with the spell, he got it to settle down. He gently fell, but when he finally got to the ground, he found himdself inm the midst of an army larger than that seen in Borjin's penguin defense [see ToF: The Siege].

Little red pulses flew from the nozzles of the soldier's weapons. Thinking that those pulses probably weren't conducive to long life, he commanded his levitation spell to send him upwards.

He overdid it, and was now going faster than even before. Unable to slow down significantly, he readied a air-dome spell. Cooker the Mighty had once told him that their wasn't any air once you went up far enough.

Lurn figured he could slowly change direction side-ways, and then drop down -- gently, of course.

He figured incorrectly.
"It simply doesn't happen. Period.
Why is that? Question mark."
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 PostPosted: Sat Dec 11, 2004 9:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

(NNW Tower section. The army of kidnapped wives are crowded in a large suite.)

Peasant#132: This is turning out to be the worst honeymoon vacation ever. When we get back to Ardania, my husband and I will be filing a lawsuit against BlueStar Enterprises.
Solarus: Yeah!

(A loud clank is heard.)

Peasant#132: What's that?
Solarus: Sounds like we landed on something.

(Suddenly, a hole is blasted open in the wall. Magma Troopers storm into the tower.)

Magma Trooper: (waves flamethrower menacingly) Everyone with their hands up!
Peasant#132: Who're these!?
Paladin: Well, they look like perverts to me! Charge!!

(The army of wives overwhelm the first few Magma Troopers. Screams and sounds of bone-crunching kicks can be heard. More Magma Troopers enter the hole, this time with a captain.)

Magma Captain: Halt in the name of the Empire! (blasts a nearby Peasant into a pile of cinder)

(Eventually, the army of wives are restrained by the troopers)

Magma Trooper: (to Captain) All hostiles captured, sir. We've lost three to extreme E.R., sir.
Magma Captain: Well done. Search out the rest of this tower and set your blasters to 'singe'. We want to capture as many as we can alive.
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 PostPosted: Sat Dec 11, 2004 9:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

(A long line of wives are led away by Magma Troopers. When they all exit the Elven Lounge, a hidden panel cracks open in the Lounge.)

Cucarouche: Whew! That was too close, mon!
TaleSpinner the Mildly Insane: (nods) It's lucky that the Lounge has these storage compartments!
Rattensford: These are used for smuggling, comrade.
TaleSpinner: How do you know?
Cucarouche: Can't you smell it? (whiffs the air) Compressed elfweed, mon. The whole compartment smells of it. (takes a deep breath) Oooo.. sends tingles down my spine.
Rattensford: (irritated) Any more of that and I'll send tingles down the back of your head, comrade!
TaleSpinner: (frowns) Why would an elven building smuggle elfweed?
Cucarouche: Good question, mon. (takes an academic stance) And to answer that, you need to know the in-depth details of elfweed agriculture and trade. But, simply put, elves don't trust anyone, especially other elves. As such, it is common for elves to smuggle elfweed, particularly their best batches, to safeguard them from other elfweed traders. (takes another whiff) This compartment held an exceptionally good batch of weed from K.A. 1413. Strong woody flavour with a hint of strangleberry to roughen it up. A good year. (looks around the empty compartment sadly) Too bad they've moved the batch.
TaleSpinner: (impressed) Corr! You know your elfweed!
Rattensford: (jaw open) Sometimes, comrade, you astound me. But only sometimes.
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 PostPosted: Sat Dec 11, 2004 10:00 pm    Post subject: random and pointless Reply with quote Back to top

Darth Fuego: Yes. Citizens of Forumnia! Prepare to experience an age of darkness and destruction unlike any you have known before! Your city will become nothing but a charred wasteland where the only sounds will be the screams of the dying; the only smells those of burning gasoline! The Dark Side will consume you!

Cooker the Mighty: Wait a second buddy, that’s my line.
Darth Fuego: How dare you trained monkey of a wizard, how dare you.

Cooker the Mighty: Untrained monkey speaks better then you do.
Darth Fuego: Now you should suffer the wrath of the dark side !

Cooker the Mighty: Time stop
Time: Why the hack do everyone want to stop/rewind, I really just want to get on with life, this is not fair
Cooker the Mighty: Just a second, trolls, attack!

Huge Number of Trolls appeared out of nowhere
Troll 1023: ph34r u5
Troll 1024: reziztanz3 i5 fut1l3

Magma Trooper: “Wait, how can you SPEAK in numbers?”
Troll 534 “d1” *clubs said trooper, who was instantly killed*

Troll swarm over the routing Magma troopers
Random Magma Trooper: run for the hills *gets trampled to death by a huge number of rampaging trolls

Darth Fuego: Grrr.
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 PostPosted: Sun Dec 12, 2004 12:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

A projection of Darth Fuego stood on his Space Destructer, one of the largest starships in existance, besides the Doom Sphere. He was actually on the ground of Forumnia, but he commanded the same terror in holographic form. His bland, slightly evil-looking second in command (wearing what looked like a lame naval uniform) stood in front of his projection.

"Bombard the planet. Target the city the inhabitants call 'Valmorgen'," commanded Darth Fuego.

"Yes, master. The bombardment will begin in a few minutes," said the second in command.

"What! You're supposed to say a few hours! A few minutes won't give the good side any time to stop us! Are you out of your mind?" demanded Fuego.

"Master? Isn't it a good thing that good side can't stop us?" The second in command looked perplexed.

"You are a fool to question my orders, uh . . . second in command. You will die," said Darth Fuego.

Darth Fuego then put his arm out, and the second in command flew backwards. He hit the wall and crumpled and died.

"Carry out the bombardment in three hours. Do not make the mistake the second in command did," said Darth Fuego to his nearby third in command.
"It simply doesn't happen. Period.
Why is that? Question mark."

Last edited by Lurn on Sun Dec 12, 2004 9:54 pm; edited 1 time in total
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 PostPosted: Sun Dec 12, 2004 8:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

*Darth Fuego turns away from his holoscreen (Portable Version 2.0), and watches as his Magma Troopers run in circles, pursued by Trolls.*
Darth Fuego: You flaming idiots! Can't you do anything right?
Magma Trooper: *wailing* But they have clubs!
Darth Fuego: And you have flame-throwers.
Magma Trooper: Oh. *Turns and rapidly melts the Troll.*
Darth Fuego: -Bleep-ing fools. Now then ... ah yes. Idiots! Clean up this mess *glances around at the rapidly spreading goo piles* while I secure a better base!
Magma Troopers: Sir!
Cooker: But you can't just leave. We're commanding our armies. We have to sit on a hill at least fifty yards away and drink intoxicating beverages while our troops slaughter each other.
Darth Fuego: *stares at him* You're insane. I, Darth Fuego, can do whatever I -bleep-ing please because I am a Sith Lord.
Cooker: So? The Manual of Hackneyed Warfare says -
Darth Fuego: You try my patience, Wizard, and I am not a patient man.
Cooker: See? Cliche. And if you use cliches in speech, you have to use cliches in battle -
Darth Fuego: Like -bleep- I do. Now get out of my way, or I'll vaporize you.
Cooker: Be that way. You realize you're match for me. *Casts Meteor Storm.*
Darth Fuego: *unimpressed* Bah. *Uses the Force to reflect the meteors back at Cooker. The Meteors hit him, but, thanks to his Anti-Magic shield, he is unharmed.*
Cooker: Bah yourself.
Rock Golem: *pops up out of nowhere* Now you have to Flee in Terror. The new programming causes a spell-caster to flee when his spells are reflected back at him.
Cooker: But I'm Cooker!
Rock Golem: I don't care if you're Godzilla. You still have to obey the rules. And say your voice line.
Cooker: What? Me? Say that demeaning drivel?
Rock Golem: You're always saying demeaning drivel. Just humour me. *Raises a titanic fist.*
Cooker: Oh, all right. "I'm done for!" *Teleports away. The Rock Golem vanishes.*
Darth Fuego: Right. And I thought our show was bad. Anyway, let's try this again. In the name of the Master, ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK!!!
*Charges single-handedly towards a a small town, not noticing that the Magma Troopers are still engaged with the Trolls. He waves his sword back and forth like a maniac, and rams an Outpost. Six Paladins pop out. Underneath the building, instead of "Outpost", is written "Local DDN Headquarters.*
Eleanor the Vigilant: What do we have here?
Kayt the Vindicator: A man in a suit of armour carrying a sword made of fire?
Clarina, Holy Reporter: *scribbling in her notebook* "Wierdo with Flame-Sword Attacks DDN Headquarters".
Darth Fuego: Fear me!
Eleanor: Well, this is a change. We're usually the ones doing the att- Dauros has spared you ... for now. *Starts running away.*
*The other Paladins stand gaping.*
Clarina: What's she doing?
Kayt: Fleeing because of injuries. But how - ?
*The five remainng Paladins notice that they are all below half health and losing hitpoints rapidly.*
Darth Fuego: *reciting his character description* "Plasma Sword - Does continuous damage to any unit in the vicinity unless wearing Special Body Armour. The closer to the weapon, the greater the rate of damage." *Swings the sword, doing even more damage with the splash effect.*And that's [/i]Plasma[/i] Sword.
Justine the Swift: Let's get out of here!
*The Paladins run off, leaving Darth Fuego as he begins demolishing the Outpost.*
"Death awaits you!" - Maester Seymour, from Squaresoft's Final Fantasy X[i]
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 PostPosted: Sun Dec 12, 2004 10:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Lurn reached space. Try as he might, he couldn't slow, nor start changing direction. The magic just didn't budge. As he did, an dome of air surrounded him (very surprisingly, considering almost every spell he cast was somehow mixed up).

Looking around, he found space not as interesting as he would have thought. It was mostly black, with a few white specks sitting around.

Then he noticed some very large metal things in the shape of triangles above his head. Are they some sort of strange, giant sword blades? thought Lurn, perplexed.

As he noticed little lights flickering on the metal hulks, he thought, Are they enchanted? But usually, that's an all around glow.

Realizing he was very rapidly approaching one of the metal triangles, Lurn attempted once again to slow down. As before, the magic overpowered him, and he kept going without faltering.

Reserving his energy, Lurn hoped to use alll his strength to push when he reached the triangle.

Lurn estimated he would reach the triangle in a few minutes.

He waited. He waited some more. And, then, after waiting a while longer, he finally got to nearly an arms length away from the triangle. He could no longer see anything but a metal surface, bordered with space, as far as his eyes could see.

He concentrated and used all his force of will . . . and he kept going.

He closed his eyes.

I am dead, he thought.

He was wrong.

A sliding, metal door opened in front of him, a smaller triangle flying out. The small triangle barely skimmed past him, and Lurn went flying in.

The moment the small triangle left the place, the metal door closed behind it. A strange voice called out: "Repressurizing and restoring gravity in hangar. Please wait."

Then, Lurn finally lurched to a stop. One second, he was moving, the next he was not. Evidentally, his will had a delay before being carried out. Something I must figure out how to solve . . .

Gravity was restored, and Lurn fell. As he hit the metal flooring, he fell unconscious. Yet again.
"It simply doesn't happen. Period.
Why is that? Question mark."
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Joined: 22 Jan 2001
Posts: 2579
Location: Yaro'on the Fair

 PostPosted: Mon Dec 13, 2004 8:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

*The NNW Tower. A Monk is staring with perplexity at a closed door.*
Loralty the Talkative One: What is behind this door? It has been closed since we came aboard, and still I could almost swear that I have heard voices coming from it.
Sister Mew: Of course you have have. There's someone in there; I can sense him.
Loralty: Why have you not told me before?
Sister Mew: Because I thought it best not to worry you. You do get worrued so easily.
Loralty: Who is it?
Sister Mew: I don't know. is mind's closed; I can't read even his surface thoughts.
Loralty: *frowns* I -
*The door to the room is blown open by a gout of flame. A squad of Magma Troopers comes in, led by a Sergeant. The Troopers glance around, then one turns and salutes the Sergeant.*
Magma Trooper: No-one here, sir.
Magma Trooper Sergeant: Are you -bleep-ing blind? *He stabs his finger at Loralty and Sister Mew.* What do you call them?
Magma Trooper: *blinking at the couple* Um, uh ...
Loralty: May I ask who you are?
MT Segeant: *drawing himself up* We are Magma Troopers, the faceless pawns of the dreaded Darth Fuego. In accordance with Majesty programming, we are classed as henchmen, with 50 hitpoints, 4 Armour and flamethrowers with a strength of 20 and splash effect, no cool-down. As a Sergeant, I have 55 hitpoints and 5 Armour.
Loralty: *dazed* I see.
MT Sergeant: You will now be taken to Detention Block H, where you will be subjected to various tortures by our resident Demented Scientist.
Loralty: *moans*
Sister Mew: I hope he doesn't try cloning us.
MT Sergeant: Cloning ... ?
Sister Mew: Believe me, you'd get one screwed up clone if you did.
MT Sergeant: Right ... Actually, he's more into acetylene torches and boiling oil. Name of Von Pyr. Professor Von Pyr. He designed the weapons systems for the Doom Sphere.
Loralty: Doom Sphere?
MT Sergeant: The space station you're in. You hadn't noticed?
Loralty: *winces* Please, no contractons.
Sister Mew: We were too busy wondering who's behind that door.
Voice: I am.
*The door opens, to reveal Saturninus the Unobserved One.*
MT Sergeant: -Bleep-! Another guy in purple robes!
Saturninus: Indeed. Now then, take us to your commander. I have something to discuss with him.
MT Sergeant: *wondering when he lost control of the situation* Um, Darth Fuego's down below, destroying your planet. Insisted on doing it the old-fashioned way, despite the fact that the Super-Flamer is nearly operational. In his absense ... Von Pyr's in charge.
Saturninus: *smiles* Excellent. Take me to him, then.
Loralty: Grand Inquisitor? Ah, of course, you must not of heard.
Saturninus: That Von Pyr is a mad scientist? Of course I heard. That is why I am pleased.
MT Sergeant: Um, that's Demented Scientist. He's very particular, you know.
Saturninus: I see. Trust me, Dor-Loralty. I know how to deal with ... Demented Scientists.
Loralty: If you say so.
"Death awaits you!" - Maester Seymour, from Squaresoft's Final Fantasy X[i]
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Shifty Coindrop

Joined: 21 Sep 2000
Posts: 204
Location: Duncanville, TX, USA

 PostPosted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 12:40 am    Post subject: Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy Reply with quote Back to top

(The scene. Inside the Don Yuan Lounge. Three Magma Troopers were left behind to guard the Lounge under strict orders to not burn it down. Grumbling at the lack of [Bleep]-ing fun, the three instead patrol the inside looking for any stragglers. Fortunately for TaleSpinner and the Ratmen, they happen upon the Lounge's barroom first, currently staffed by three Bartenders sporting exaggerated handlebar moustaches.)

Magma Trooper Guard #1: (Raises his flamethrower and points at them) HALT!

(The other two follow suit.)

Bartender #1: Let's not get volatile here gents.
MTG #2: We'll get -Bleep-ing volatile as we [Bleep]-ing like.
Bartender #2: No Blasters! No Blasters! No Blasters!
MTG #3: Of course No Blasters, you [Bleep]! They're [Bleep][Bleep]-ing flamethrowers!
Bartender #3: Actually Sirs, we have not made any significant movement prior to or ever since your arrival.
Bartender #2: If they don't put those down I'm gonna have some movement of me own if you get me drift.
Bartender #1: (Smacks #2 on the back of his head) Thank you for enlightening us with that [Bleep]-ing information.
Bartender #2: (Rubbing the back of his head) Owww...
MTG #1: [Bleep]. We can't torch anything here so I ain't gonna be the one to clean that [Bleep] mess up.
MTG #2: They're just bartenders and I'm getting [Bleep]-ing thirsty myself.
MTG #3: [Bleep] it. We're not gonna get to torch a single [Bleep]-ing thing anyways.
Bartender #1: The perfect place to enjoy yourselves and get [Bleep]-ing drunk with [Bleep]-ing strong drinks.
MTG #1: Now you're [Bleep]-ing talking our [Bleep][Bleep] language.
Bartender #2: As soon as you put away those [Bleep]-ing flamers. The booze here is pretty [Bleep]-ing strong and we don't have any [Bleep]-ing bananas in stock.
Bartender #3: He's [Bleep]-ing right Sirs. Have a [Bleep]-ing seat.

(The Magma Trooper Guards look at each other then put the flamethrowers back onto the rack before taking them off and setting the tanks down to take seat at the bar.)

MTG #1: This better be [Bleep]-ing worth it or your [Bleep]-ing [Bleep]-s are [Bleep]-ing toast.
Bartender #1: Just [Bleep]-ing wait. You haven't even [Bleep]-ing tried it yet.

(The bartenders draw up three large mugs of a foaming brew that constantly turns all sorts of disturbing shades of green like a stereotypical display of radioactivity, then tops each with a straw. For the helmets of course.)

MTG #2: What the [Bleep] is that?
Bartender #3: The proper term is The Ale of Fervus.
MTG #3: The Ale of [Bleep]-ing what?
Bartender #2: The locals just call it Crazy Beer.
MTG #1: Sounds like just what the [Bleep] we need.
Bartender #1: Skoal, lads.

(With the first sip of Crazy Beer, the Magma Troopers are introduced to a whole new world of [Bleep]-ing intoxicated hallucination. For starters, everything turns to a pale shade of green.)

MTG #1: [Bleep]. This is one helluva beer.
MTG #2: Craaaaaa-zy.
MTG #3: Damn straight.
Bartender #1: First timers I see.
Bartender #2: (Giggling) Oh are they in for it now...
Bartender #3: The first Crazy Beer intoxication is always a doozy, Sirs.

(Next, strange men wearing funny painted wooden masks and loincloth appear out of nowhere and start a dance everywhere and sing all sorts of nonsensical songs up to and including the Spongebob Squarepants Theme.)

Cultist: Are you ready kids!?
More Cultists: Aye Aye, Captain!
Cultist: I CAN'T HEAR YOUUUU....
The Other Cultists: AYE AYE, CAPTAIN!!

All 3 Magma Trooper Guards: [Bleeeeeeeeep]...

(It feels like forever to the Magma Troopers but it only takes a short while, so we'll skip the song and dance routine. But that's not all. After the Cultist Experience, they see terrifying visions of gigantic freaks clad in leather from head to toe waving around what looks like the unhealthy love child of a scythe and a drafting T-square as they charge the Magma Troopers.)

WoDs: (All stop and wave with their free hands) Hi.
MTG #1: What the [Bleep]!?

(The hallucination becomes a panorama of all sorts of faces and places familiar to Majesty and Star Wars fans. One particular highlight is Darth Vader throwing Emperor Palpatine down the reactor shaft... only a few seconds later Palpatine resoundly sproings back onto the Throne Room floor landing on his feet. Vader and Luke look on with wide-eyed shock.)

Palpatine: Another thing you did not foresee, Young Skywalker. I went into Extreme Sports and acquired a set of... BUNGEE CORDS!!!!!!! (And then shows off the cord attached to one of his ankles while cackling triumphantly.)

(The nightmare scene fades to black as Luke screams "NOOOOOO..." etc. etc. And speaking of nightmare scenarios, another pops up. This time, it's Cooker gaining control of the Doom Sphere and blowing things up. The Magma Troopers scream like little girls as they hear the infamous wizard laugh while pressing buttons like that annoying 7 year old brat who tried to challenge you at Street Fighter in the arcade, with everything combustible and some things that supposedly aren't-)

Loralty: (Back at the Tower, looking at the camera frowning with arms folded together) What have I said about using improper contractions?

(Well excuuuuse me. Anyways, back to the narration. Everything is burning, and the Magma Troopers are scared [Bleep]-less of the Crazy Beer induced hallucination. The last thing they see before blacking out is the bartenders gripping their scalps and yanking it, tearing off their faces to reveal three cowled figures looking over them rather scoundrelly.)

Loralty: (Back at the Tower staring at the camera again) "Scoundrelly" is *not* a proper word.

(I just made it up. And I believe you have some troubles you and the missus have to deal with, hmm?)

Loralty: (Sighs) Oh very well. Perhaps I should try and file a complaint with the Rock Golem later on.

(Okay, back to the Don Juan Lounge. The three bartenders were really of course Shifty Coindrop, Ytfihs Pordnioc, and Cherik of Keldurn. The Three Rogues of Forumnia look over the Magma Trooper Guards passed out on the floor.)

Shifty: Sleeping like babies.
Ytfihs: Terrified babies.
Cherik: Apparently their hallucinatory experiences were quite disturbing judging by their expressions.
Shifty: All right, enough chit-chat. Drag them into the storeroom and let's help ourselves to their strange outfits.

(They each grab a Magma Trooper and drag him into the storeroom. A while later they emerge dressed in the Magma Trooper Armor and reach for the flamethrower tanks.)

Ytfihs: Hey, these are pretty comfy and climate-controlled.
Cherik: They would have to be in order to enable the wearers to use the flamethrowers for an extended period of time, Sir.
Shifty: Enough chit-chat, let's start exploring this crazy station we've been sucked into.

(They barely get out of the barroom when they are spotted by TaleSpinner, Rattensford and Cucarouche.)

TaleSpinner: Uh-oh...
Rattensford: Quick, before they can open fire!
TaleSpinner: Does that mean I can hit them with my stick?
Cucarouche: DO IT MON!!

(Instead of opening fire, the Rogues in disguise wave their hands in panic.)

Shifty: WAIT!! WAIT!!
Ytfihs: DON'T DO IT MAN!! IT'S US!!

(TaleSpinner's thought process is trying to figure this out fast as it can... which is not very.)

TaleSpinner: Hey wait... how come they sound like the Rogues?
Shifty: Because it is you nimrod. (Takes off the helmet to show the cowled Rogue head underneath.)
Rattensford: (Exhales in relief) Thank Moux.
Cucarouche: Nice getup mon. Where'd ya get dem?
Ytfihs: Three of them passed out and tied up in the bar's storeroom.
Rattensford: Crazy Beer?
Cherik: First timers.
Cucarouche: Mon, dey got a real trip out of it I bet.
TaleSpinner: I remember my first time I had Crazy Beer.
Shifty: What did you see?
TaleSpinner: Well, urr... I um-
Ytfihs: No time for that, we better get out of here and figure out how to get back to Ardania.
Rattensford: I'm afraid there is something more important at stake Comrades. I overheard some of the patrols talking about how this station is priming to flame Ardania beyond all recognition. If we do not find the others and figure out how to stop it there will be nothing to go back to.
Cucarouche: Mon, anyone who gonna burn Elfweed and not let me smoke them ees gonna get dere [Bleep]-s kicked all across da galaxee.
Talespinner: And anyone who gonna keep me from playing Sovereign's Wheel is gonna... um... (light bulb illuminates above his head) get hit with my stick! Corr!
Shifty: (Sighs) We're outnumbered here and on foreign grounds lads. Let's do this sensibly.
Ytfihs: How about if we play the old Prisoner Transfer Game?
Cucarouche: Ees dat gonna work?
Cherik: An armed force consisting of obscene pyromaniacs is not one I would credit with such foresight.
Shifty: He's right. How are they going to know what's up anyways? (Puts on the helmet.) Just get you three tied up and we'll start exploring.
TaleSpinner: Corr! I've always wanted to tour a space station.

(After the Ratmen and TaleSpinner are "tied up" as "prisoners" all six depart the Lounge and start exploring.)
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Venstar Trailblazer

Joined: 27 Apr 2003
Posts: 600
Location: Harrisburg,PA

 PostPosted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 2:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

(Back in Ardania, Darth Feugo has destroyed the DDN base. Before he can chase the Paladins the EDDNA shows up.)
Concus: Hello, Feugo.
Darth Feugo: You are... the One, I mean... the Master!
Galen: (Bleep!) straight I'm the master.
Veti: He's talking to Grandpa, you oaf!
Concus: (Not paying attention to Galen and Veti) Yes, I am the master. (Looks down at the destroyed DDN base) Ahh, your first DDN kill, how does it feel.
Darth Feugo: I could care less, this place is toast in (Looks at watch) two and a half hours.
Clare: What!?
Darth Feugo: Oh, I'm sorry. I meant Valmorgen.
Lag: Much better.
Concus: Are you ready to destroy some more DDN?
Darth Feugo: Let's find Cooker first.
Galen: Cooker!? Oh Fervus... I think he may be mad at us, Veti and I in general.
Concus: Why?
Veti: We haven't been his biggest ally over the ToFs. We worked for him once, then turned on him to destroy his Fast Food resturaunt. Then, we just helped attack the army he was in a coulpe of days ago...
Darth Feugo: Oh. Well he will be fine with you... I will make him.
Gimli:Never thought I'd die fighting side by side with an Elf.
Legolas:What about side by side with a friend?
Gimli:Aye. I could do that.

Gandalf:Here at last, on the shores of the sea comes the end of our Fellowship.
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 226

 PostPosted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 6:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Lurn woke in the hangar with ten Magma Troopers surrounding him. He was disoriented and uncertain where he was. Where am I? he thought.

"We're here to take you the Demented Scientist, intruder," said a Magma Trooper Sergeant standing above him.

"Uhh . . . uhh. Whatsat?" Lurn tried to stand up, but crumpled to the floor at the effort.

"We're here to take you to the Demented Scientist. Come peacefully, or the hard way."

"What? What's going on?" This time Lurn managed to stand, though he still appeared groggy.

Turning to the other Troopers, the Sergeant said, "Drag him to the Scientist. He's not going to be able to get there himself."

"Please don't. I . . . I can walk to this Scientist person myself. Who is he, anyway?" By now, Lurn was standng straight, his staff supporting him.

"Who is the Demented Scientist? He's the designer of the Doom Sphere, goes by the name of Von Pyr. He's in charge while Darth Fuego is on the ground. Now, come along."

"Actually, since Darth Fuego is attacking my homeland and world, and this Demented Scientist seems to be woking with him. I think it's probably in my best interest to get out of here. No disrespect to you or your soldiers, of course."

"Too bad, intruder. Take him, Troopers."

Knocking him on the head with a flamewthrower, the Trooper Sergeant pulled Lurn across the metal floor of the hangar bay, with the help another Magma Trooper.

Lurn, of course, fell unconscious from the blow.
"It simply doesn't happen. Period.
Why is that? Question mark."
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