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ToF: The Siege
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TaleSpinner



Joined: 08 Sep 2000
Posts: 2018
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

 PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 2:54 am    Post subject: ToF: The Siege Reply with quote Back to top

Tales of Forumia: The Expansion Quests

The Siege

Cast List: (in order of appearance)
Sovereign Jay (Sovereign/Cyberlore play-tester)
Venn Fairweather (Royal Advisor/Sean Connery look-alike)
TaleSpinner the Mildly Insane (Warrior of Discord)
Galen the Insane II (Warrior of Discord)
Concus the Insane (Warrior of Discord/Father of Galen)
Lurn (Wizard of Chaos)
Ulaf the One-Eyed (Barbarian/Inter-Clan Hockey War veteran)
Trog the Disliker (Barbarian)
Veri Voluptuous (Elfmaid/Extreme Exotic Dancer)
Borjin Hood (Elf-lord of Borjin's Keep)
Loralty the Talkative One (Monk)
Sister Mew (White-robed priestess/Wife of Loralty)
Yuan Bluestar (Elven Cassanova)
Minx Rarecatch (Elven Secretary to Borjin)
Saturninus the Unobserved One (Monk/Grand Inquisitor of the Daurosian Inquisiton)
Veti Insane (Cultist/brother of Galen/Indian Accent)
Clarely Insane (Paladin/One of the leaders of the EDDNA)
Bob the Insane One (Top Assasin on the EDDNA/Monk)
Sister Gloom (Priestess/CNNa news reader)
Monkull the Rager (Clan Chief Barbarian/Father of Mop'bal)
Lucia the Tranquil (Healer)
Cecilia of the Pond (Healer)
Shifty Coindrop (Rogue/Forumnian Rogues' Guild Guildmaster)
Ytfihs Pordnioc (Rogue/Forumnian Rogues' Guild second-in-command)
Cherik of Keldurn (Rogue/Forumnian Rogues' Guild doorman)
Rattensford (Ratman Champion)
Cucarouche (Ratman)
Cooker the Mighty (Megalomaniac Wizard)
Eleanor the Vigilant (Paladin)
Baxi LongStrider (Ranger)
Horhi Northwind (Elf/Borjin's Personal Financial Secretary)
Annette the Keen (Paladin/Member of Kayt's Vindication Force)
Edwina, Fist of Dauros (Paladin/Member of Kayt's Vindication Force)
Justine the Stalwart (Paladin/Member of Kayt's Vindication Force)
Kayt the Vindicator (Paladin/Leader of Kayt's Vindication Force)
Clarina, Holy Reporter (Paladin/Reporter for the Trumpet of Dauros)
DragonWizard (Ranger-Wizard/Husband to Clarina)
Tenba Silvershade (Elven Ninja of the BlueStar Triad)
Kitsune HeartStealer (Elven Ninja of the BlueStar Triad)
Youkai D (Elven Ninja of the BlueStar Triad)
Nobody Bond (Dwarven CSA Agent)

Note:
ToF would like to thank our sponsors and the following societies which have made this story possible:

Cyberlore Discussion Forums (long live Cyberlore!)
Society for Unneccessarily Large Penguin Generation Experts (SULPGE) (Who else do you call when you need an amry of 10,000 giant, ferocious penguins?)
Dauros Divine Network (DDN) (Pervert-busters)
Cooker's Semi-Intelligence Agency (CSA) (Who needs intelligence when you've got semi-intelligence?)

Day 0

Royal Advisor: ...and so, Your Majesty, we are pleased to report that our first trade caravans have arrived from the North, filled with valuable commodities.
SovJ: (rubbing hands together) Excellent! So how did they fare in the market?
Royal Advisor: After the sales of yeti blubber rubber and ice dragon scales, we've managed to earn a few hundred thousand gold pieces..
SovJ: WOO HOO! I'm -bleep!-ing rich!! Ha -bleep!-ing hah!!
Royal Advisor: (coughs uncomfortably).. however, your majesty, after taking out the necessary expenses for caravan snow equipment, caravan drivers, extra caravan drivers to replace those caravan drivers who froze to death, Borjin fees, and Yeti Insurance, we've made a healthy return of (checks his figures) fifty gold.
SovJ: (splutters) WHA-WHAT!?!? You mean, all that -bleep!-ing -bleep!- and all we earned is fifty -bleep!-ing gold!?!?
Royal Advisor: I'm afraid so, your Majesty. One must realise that although trade with the Northern reaches deals with the most lucrative and rare commodities, there is extremely high risk involved, as well as high expenditure.
SovJ: (crossly) High expenditure, my -bleep!-!! What sort of -bleep!-ing expenditure is "Borjin fees" anyway!?
Royal Advisor: Borjin's Keep is a settlement located right on the only safe passage through the Hellfire mountains, your majesty. Borjin, the local elven lord of the region, charges fees to any who pass his domain.
SovJ: Can't we go around his keep? Didn't we send some caravans eastwards to-
Royal Advisor: Perished in the lava streams of extremely difficult terrain, your majesty.
SovJ: How about the caravans which went west-
Royal Advisor: Torn to shreds by flocks of angry rocs when it entered their nesting grounds, your majesty.
SovJ: So this Borjin's set up his place between some rocs and a hard place, eh?
Royal Advisor: I beg your pardon?
SovJ: Nevermind. I see that the only way we'll get through is via Borjin's keep, and I'll be -bleep!-ed if I'm going to pay another piece of gold to that -bleep!-ing bandit! Let's get some guilds up there and-
Royal Advisor: Umm..
SovJ: (seething) Yesss?
Royal Advisor: According to our reports, your majesty, Borjin has made so much gold from his fees that he has built formidible defensive walls around his keep. Not only that, he is able to practically pay off any force that has threatened his domain. The last invasion force of dwarves was so handsomely paid off that they all perished from the massive amount of Fervus Ale they purchased and consumed during the victory celebrations.
SovJ: So you're telling me that Borjin's able to match and counter-offer any reward flags I put out there!?
Royal Advisor: I'm afraid so, your Majesty. And the heroes, being the greedy sort of looters they are, will probably be happy enough to tear down your buildings to get a chance at perishing the same way those dwarves did.
SovJ: If I can't use gold to get those -bleep!-s to wipe out that -bleep!-ing keep, what the -bleep!- can I do, huh!? Rally them behind some -bleep!-ing cause or something!? Who the -bleep!- came up with this -bleep!-ing Quest, anyway!? SETH!? SEETTHHH!! Get someone from game design down here, pronto!!

(Meanwhile, in a nearby tavern)

TaleSpinner: (blinks) Sorry, what did you say you do again?
Cultist wearing a white shirt and tie: I sell Yeti Insurance. A must have for anyone who intends to travel up to the Northern Reaches.
TaleSpinner: But I've been to the Northern Reaches - the Sovereign gated me and a lot of other heroes to Lost Veegas for a free vacation (see ToF: Urban Renewal).
Yeti Insurance Cultist: (nodding emphatically) If you'd met a Yeti, you'd wish you had Yeti Insurance.
TaleSpinner: So what does Yeti Insurance do?
YICultist: (happily explains) For a reasonable premium of 100 gold per Day, we insure someone (hereafter known as the Individual) survival against a Yeti attack.
TaleSpinner: (excitedly) You mean, it's like protection against Yetis, like,.. like that water that comes from Dauros which protects against Vampires?
YICultist: (raised eyebrow) You mean, water that's blessed by Dauros, right? Well, not really like that. Since the Northern Expansion, it has been observed that the average hero has the same chances of surviving a Yeti attack (hereafter known as the Occurance) as a bunny with no legs surviving a Rock Golem's foot. This analysis is based on numerous experiences of unfortunate individuals and legless bunnies. So, to give heroes a chance to survive, we guarantee the Individual that after such an Occurance, his or her flattened remains will be retrieved from the site of the Occurance (or failing that, the site of the Yeti's next bowel movement) to be Reanimated or Ressurected, whichever the Individual is more religiously-inclined towards.
TaleSpinner: (dissappointed) 100 gold per day? That's pretty steep. How much Yeti Insurance can you give me for (checks his character stats) 0 gold?
YICultist: (scratches his armpit thoughtfully) Hmm.. not much, I'm afraid. But here's an idea - maybe you can come work for us. We're always on the look out for Hero Remains Retrieval Experts.
TaleSpinner: (happily) Really!? Corr, that's a great idea! I'm not only good at finding Hero Remains, I'm good at making them too! Want to see!?
YICultist: Uh,.. save it for later. Follow me and I'll get you signed up.


Last edited by TaleSpinner on Mon Dec 06, 2004 12:39 am; edited 9 times in total
 
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Venstar Trailblazer



Joined: 27 Apr 2003
Posts: 600
Location: Harrisburg,PA

 PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2004 8:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

(Two WoD are seen walking up the Hellfire Mountains.)
Galen: So, this is where the next ToF takes us.
Concus: Good conclusion.
(Galen and Concus walk up a hill to see what they could see.)
Galen: I think it is going to snow.
Concus: Why?
Galen: Do you see that fortress over there? Do you see the snow machine on top of the wall? Do you see the man with the box that says...
Concus: I get it! I'm not insane you know.
Galen: Yes you are. Your entire family is insane.
Concus: I think we should head into the fortress.
Galen: Good conclusion.
(The two head over to the fortress.)
Fortress Gaurd: Hello to you.
Concus: Hello to you, too. I am afraid we need lodging for (Flour starts to fall) it is snowing.
FG: Do you have the 10,000 gold entrance fee?
Concus: No, but I do have the "Kill the gaurd, destroy the body, and sneek into the fortress" discount. (Concus quickly kills the gaurd, lights the body on fire, and then throws it to the side. They walk inside. Galen sneezes.)
Concus: What is the matter?
Galen: I am allergic to flour...
_________________
Gimli:Never thought I'd die fighting side by side with an Elf.
Legolas:What about side by side with a friend?
Gimli:Aye. I could do that.

Gandalf:Here at last, on the shores of the sea comes the end of our Fellowship.
 
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Venstar Trailblazer



Joined: 27 Apr 2003
Posts: 600
Location: Harrisburg,PA

 PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2004 5:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

(Galen and Concus wonder around aimlessly in the fortress.)
Concus: This is much bigger than the Castle the Soveriegn has in Valmorgen!
Galen: (Bleep!) strait! And where in Forminia did the owner get the black brick to build this fortress with?
Random Passerby: The master is so rich, he buys it from other games plugged into the computer we are in.
Concus: Such as...
RP: I think it is a mix of Warcraft, Ages of Empires II, and... oh yes The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Ring.
Galen: Lord of the Rings, eh? He must have some pretty big connections.
RP: Rumor has it, your master is old friends with Gandolf the Grey.
Concus: He is know as Gandolf the White now... he has come to them at the turn of the tide. Gandolf and I go way back, an old friend of mine introduced us... but I forget his name.
RP: Well that is to bad. I must be going now. The wife will beat me if I don't get some Elven Bread, before it goes out of stock. It's one of the rarest foods aloud to the common folk.
Concus: Is that so.... Well you have a good day now. (Concus looks around.) This place looks oddly familiar...
Galen: Venstar Trailblazer's voice oddly familiar, or just plain oddly familiar?
Concus: Venstar Trailblazer's voice oddly familiar.
Galen: That is sooooooooo cool!
Concus: I think the inn is this way. (He points ahead and starts walking, followed by Galen.) I was right... I think I know this place a little too well. (The two walk into the inn and pay for rooms.)
_________________
Gimli:Never thought I'd die fighting side by side with an Elf.
Legolas:What about side by side with a friend?
Gimli:Aye. I could do that.

Gandalf:Here at last, on the shores of the sea comes the end of our Fellowship.
 
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Lurn



Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 226

 PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2004 7:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

As the Cultist insurance seller led TaleSpinner out of the tavern, TaleSpinner (and the Cultist) were very, very unfortunate.

Lurn, a wizard, was walking cheerfully into the tavern. Had it been any other wizard under Sovereign Jay, it would nothing out of the ordinary, nor particularly worrisome.

But Lurn was not an ordinary wizard. He was the Wizard of Chaos. Though not exceptionally powerful, or exceptionally weak, he had Chaos (or otherwise known as malfunctioning and out of control programming). He supposed Fervus was involved.

But why did not particularly matter to those within or around the tavern, as Lurn bumped into TaleSpinner, while looking at the blue sky (which was not supposed to exist in Majesty, but was a result of malfunctions). The sky above the tavern was not blue for long, however, rather a mix of red-yellow flame, black smoke, and orange rain.

Chaos ensued.

***

Sovereign Jay spoke, quite angrily, as the tavern went up in flames.
"What the [BLEEP] is going on? I can't [BLEEP] cast that, so why do my HEROES get to? I didn't install any new [BLEEP] expansion pack, what the [BLEEP] is happening?"

His rage could be heard across Forumnia.
_________________
"It simply doesn't happen. Period.
Why is that? Question mark."
 
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TaleSpinner



Joined: 08 Sep 2000
Posts: 2018
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

 PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2004 6:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

(The celebration had carried on till the wee hours of the morning. Barbarian celebrations tend have the same characteristics as their invasions; there is a lot of shouting, screaming, fire, fighting and a number of people receiving bloody (and in many cases, permanent) injuries. Trog could not remember what the celebration was all about, the small part of his brain that dealt with memory having shut down and turned in for an early night for a quiet read. It was only later when someone noisily reminded him that it was Trog's wedding banquet.)

Ulaf the One-Eyed: TO TROG AND VERI VOLUP-..VOL-..VO- TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM!! (raises tankard) KRROOOOLLMMMMM!!!
Trog: (trying to remember who Trog was)
Horde of barbarians: (all raise tankards, at least those still concious) KRRROOOOOLLLLMMMM!!!
Ulaf the One-Eyed: (claps Trog on the back, almost braining him on the banquet table and calls for quiet) Trog and Ulaf fought side-by-side in Inter-Clan Hockey Wars (brief pause in memory of the countless masses who have perished during those dark days) and Ulaf remembers the time when..

(Trog groans inwardly. Speeches at barbarian wedding banquets tended to revolve around the speaker relating the most gruesome kill he had ever seen the groom do. The descriptions tended to grow worse with every telling as each speaker tries to out-do the other. He had lost count of the number of speeches before Ulaf's, but he had no doubt that Ulaf could top them all. Peering at Ulaf, he saw the one-eyed barbarian making serrating gestures with his right hand.)

Trog: (looks up when a hand is placed on his shoulder) uh?
Veri: Trog? Are you alright?
Trog: (blinks owlishly and makes several attempts before he gets his mouth to work) Ulaf making speech?
Veri: (glances at Ulaf with the riveted crowd) Yes.
Trog: What Ulaf at?
Veri: He's using his fist to wrench something out, and now he's tying it around something else.
Trog: (winces) Oh. Not halfway through then. Where Veri been?
Veri: I was tired so I went upstairs to sleep a bit. (sly glance) Want to come up with me?

(Before some of Trog's neurons can register this information and relay it to the appropriate parts of his male anatomy, a hooded figure grabs Veri from behind.)

Veri: What the-!? Hey! Put me down!
Hooded figure: Have no fear, my fair Veri! Your rescue is at hand!
Trog: (demands) Who you?
Hooded figure: A-ha! (makes a sweeping bow) Allow me to introduce myself, I am Borjin Hood, elf lord extrodanaire!
Veri: (squirms) Let go of me, you jerk!
Borjin: Why, Veri! I would have thought that you would be at least happy to see me! Here am I to rescue you from marrying this uncouth miscreant and this is how you show your gratitude?
Trog: (raises a club) Give Veri back or Trog smash Hood with wood!
Borjin: (smirks) Cleverly said, my good man. Unfortunately Veri and I have to run. Catch up with old times, that sort of thing. (produces an Amulet of Teleportation) Cheerio!
Veri: Trog! Heelp- (vanishes with Borjin)
Trog: (lunges forward to grab air. The camera shows a top-down view of Trog and retreats upwards as Trog turns his face up and howls) VEERRRIIIII!!!!
Cameraman: (bangs his head against the ceiling) Oww!!
 
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Falotar



Joined: 22 Jan 2001
Posts: 2579
Location: Yaro'on the Fair

 PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2004 9:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

*A little settlement south of Borjin's Keep. The only two buildings are an Outpost and an Embassy. The Outpost is empty , the henchmen not having been replaced after the last Hellbear incursion, but the Embassy has two Heroes Resting at Home. Cut to the inside, where a white-robed Priestess is eating breakfast by levitating the food to her mouth. A Monk comes down the stairs from the upper story of the MEbassy.*
Loralty the Talkative One: *cheerfully* Good morning, Mew.
Sister Mew: And good morning to you, Loralty. Like your new home?
Loralty: It is certainly an improvement over the Temple in that no-one will think of looking for us here. Still *sighs* I wonder how long it will be before Cooker inadvertantly destroys it. Do you know how many times he destroyed my old Temple?
Mew: *grinning* Three, I think. But don't worry. That's all in the past now.
Loralty: *overlooking the contractions for once* Yes. The old days are gone for good, and good riddance! *There is a knock at the door.* Now who could that be? *Gets a worried expression.* I hope it is not the D.D.N. That would be the perfect -
Mew: You worry too much. *She laughs and goes to answer the door.* Why, what's this? Loralty! Come and look!
Loralty: Not the Network, then. *Goes to stand by her side, to see her holding a bluish catalog. A bored-looking Elf is standing outside the door.* I -- What is that?
Mew: It's a catalog of vacations offered by the Borjin Travel Agency. They offer trips to the Isle of Sydrian, Lost Veegas, Valmorgen, Treldan Wood -- and all have a honeymooners' discount! You know you've yet to take me on our honeymoon.
Loralty: *uncomfortably* Ah, well, you see -
Saleself: *interrupting* Also, madam, we're offering a one-of-a-kind offer. If you turn to page four of the catalog, you'll see that Borjin is offering a free vacation at his own Keep for those recently married. Don't let the forboding facade scare you away; inside are hundreds of richly appointed suites, each with a different lay-out, with a selection of twelve different styles of decor. We have Northern Reaches, Krypta Gothic, Royal Library, Sydrian Tropics, Elven Boudoir, and -- for the very brave -- *he winces* Cooker's Laboratory. I couldn't recommend that one, though. Plus -
*Loralty finally manages to rally himself and interupt the pitch.*
Loralty: Excuse me for interrupting, but I do think we are interested. Now, Good day to you -
Mew: *dreamy look* Wouldn't it be lovely, though? You do owe me a honeymoon.
Saleself: And it's free.
Loralty Precisely. Since when do Elves give out free vacations? *Mew tweaks his ear.*
Mew: Suspicious. *to the saleself* Sign us up!
Loralty: *watching with trepidation as the saleself writes their names down in a register* I do not know ... I have a very bad feeling ... I almost miss Clarina breathing down my neck ... *sighs*

*Scene shifts to an executive suite in Borjin's Keep. An Elflord in extremely well-cut clothing of blue silk and cloth-of-gold, is sitting behind a mahogany desk, his Yeti-leather-booted feet resting on a stack of blue-tinged flyers. He is holding a sleek blue and gold cell phone. His name, written in gold-edged blue letters, identifies him as Yuan Bluestar.*
Yuan Bluestar: *in a superlative example of the lilting Elven drawl* Come on, Borjy ... I know you're there ... *Annoying ring-tone can be heard through the ear-piece.* Ugh! Doesn't he know that ring-tones are out? Running a kingdom is all very well, but not when it interferes with one's fashion sense.
Borjin: *answering his own cell phone* Yes? This'd better be good. I'm kind of busy -
Yuan: Oh, nonsense, Borjy. You always have time to speak to your old friends.
Borjin: *slightly irritated* Oh, it's you. What do you want?
Yuan: *sounding hurt* Want? I don't "want" anything. Just checking up to see how you are. Your secretary said you were away.
Borjin: My secretary? *suspicious* You're not at the Keep, are you?
Yuan: Bingo! Now, don't get all upset. Don't you remember? You invited me down the other day.
Borjin: That was four years ago!
Yuan: Was it? My, my. Anyway, what have you doing that has you so busy? Extracting more gold from that moronic Sovereign's Caravans?
Borjin: No, actually - *Blood-curdling scream in the background.* Uh, I've got to go. I've just liberated Veri Voluptuous -
Yuan: *impressed* The former Lost Veegas showgirl? The one who was involved with that Barbarian what's-his-name?
Borjin: Trog the Disliker? Yes. Hence -
Yuan: But isn't that rather dangerous? I mean, supposing this Trog fellow should catch on? I mean, barbarians have no brains to speak of, but their Rage of Krolm can be quite a handful.
Borjin: Exactly - *Shouts of "Krolm! Krolm! Krolm!" in the background.* Look, I have to go. Meet you at the Keep. 'Bye. *Ends the connection.*
Yuan: *shakes his head* Veri Voluptuous? Borjy, my boy, you've gotten ambitious. No wonder you aren't keeping up with the trends, what with liberating damsels in distress. Now then, on to other business. *dials another number on his phone.*
Borjin's Secretary: Hello?
Yuan: Hello there, Minx. How goes the vacation scam?
Minx Rarecatch: Pretty good -- but are you sure the boss'll approve? Putting up his Keep free of charge is kind of stretching a point, even if it is to lure in unsuspecting maidens.
Yuan: Don't worry, my dear. Borjin's Travel Agency was hitting a slump -- your boss will shed tears of gratitude when he finds out what I've done! Think of all the desperate husbands who'll pay anything to rescue their wives from the clutches of the evil Borjin! *Laughs.* I'll even let you use my name, if you like, when ransom time comes due. For a nominal name-dropping fee, of course.
Minx: *still unsure* Well, I don't know. The Keep is already raking in plenty of gold -
Yuan: Listen, my dear. When you've lived as long as I have, you'll know that you can never have too much of a gold thing. *Chuckles.* Just remember, "tears of gratitude"! Bye-bye now -- and remember our little excursion ot the Lounge! I hear they're showing Praise Dauros!
Minx: Right.
_________________
"Death awaits you!" - Maester Seymour, from Squaresoft's Final Fantasy X[i]
 
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Falotar



Joined: 22 Jan 2001
Posts: 2579
Location: Yaro'on the Fair

 PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2004 3:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

*Deep in the subterranean bowels of Borjin's Keep, a ring of light opens and dumps out four human shapes.*
Saturninus the Unobserved One: Interesting. This is definitely not the vaults of the Inquisition. I shall have to speak to Ergos about his new technology; the restraining collars seem to have developed a glitch in the Teleportation Amulet. That being said; where am I?
Soft, Hoarse Voice: Try Borjin's Keep, 66th Subfloor.
Saturninus: *chuckles to himself as he searches for the voice's owner* I don't suppose you're a follower of Dauros, are you?
Soft Voice: Hardly.
Saturninus: Then that means I am breaking my oath in talking with you. You won't tell, will you?
Soft Voice: That depends how whether you can get me in touch with one of Cooker's operatives or not.
Saturninus: Oh?
Soft Voice: Yes. I am in need of ... an operation. Only Cooker's technology can help me. In the meantime, I'm stuck down in underground places, trying to get Monks to do my work for me.
Saturninus: I see. Perhaps we can work something out. I could use Cooker's technical expertise myself. But first, I must get myself and my prisoners out of here. Borjin's Keep, did you say?
Soft Voice:/b] Yes. There is an old mining shaft three feet to your left. Follow it, and you'll come to a cargo elevator. What you do then is entirely up to you. Borjin won't take kindly to Monks in his Keep.
[b]Saturninus:
An Elf, isn't he? Then this should present no difficulty. Thank you for your assistance. The Daurosian Inqisition is in your debt.
Soft Voice: ... (arrogant -bleep-).

*A few minutes later, several Elven Guards are startled by an old cargo elevator's control panel lighting up.*
Elven Guard #8: What the -bleep-? That thing hasn't been used since Borjin built this place!
Elven Guard #3: This can't be good. Unexplained events like this always mean more work for the security forces, mark my words.
*The elevator's doors slide open. Three people, wearing black collars around their necks, are thrown out: a Cultist, a Monk, and a Paladin.*
EG#8: What the - ? *Points bow in the general direction of the elevator's interior* Who's there? Answer!
*To the surprise of the Guards, another Monk walks out with a black health-bar.*
EG#8: Who the -bleep- are you, bub? and what are you doing in our cargo elevator?
EG#3: *reading his name* "Saturninus the Unobserved One". Great Fervus' loincloth, that's the head of the Daurosian Inquisiton!
*Saturninus bows and holds out a piece of paper. Elven Guard #8 snatches it from him.*
EG#8: Keep your hands to yourself, Monk. Here, read this. *He passes the paper to #3.*
EG#3: "I want no trouble. Please conduct me to Borjin, and take my prisoners to a safe place." Hmmm. *Looks at the three lying face-down.* "Veti Insane, Clarely Insane, and Bob the Insane One." Ugh. Why do things like this always happen on our shift?
EG#8: Ah, take him to Borjin like he says. The boss'll deal with it.
EG#3: But Borjin hasn't come back yet!
EG#8: Well then, what about that other guy -- Lord Bluestar?
EG#3: *grinning* You mean Don Yuan, right? Fine. I'd like to see this.

*Five minutes later, in Yuan's suite. Yuan is now sprawled on a tigerskin couch, watching languidly as the two Elven Guards escort Saturninus in.*
Yuan: What do you think you're doing?
EG#3: Well, milord, Borjin's away on another of his escapades -
EG#8: So we thought you could deal with him. Claims to be the head of the Daurosian Inquisition.
Yuan: Really. Well, you might have cleaned him first. *Wrinkles his nose.* What did you do -- dig him out of the stone quarry?
EG#8: *uncomfortably* Well, actually -
Yuan: *waving a hand* Oh, all right. I'll deal with it. Go back to your posts.
*The two Guards slink off, unhappy about not being able to watch the exchange.*
Yuan: Now then, Unobserved One. I would offer you a seat, but these chairs are expensive, and your robes are not the paragon of cleanliness. The floors can be cleaned, but get that dirt on my upholstery and I'll have you executed.
Saturninus: Quite unfortunate. Indeed, this whole business is quite unfortunate. I was transporting some prisoners to the Inquisition, when my Amulet misfired. So, nstead, I found myself in the abandoned mines below this Keep.
Yuan: Unfortunate indeed. *Raises an eyebrow.* I thought the Monks took an oath of silence?
Saturninus: Of course. I trust you are not scandalized? Maintaining my vow of silence before fanatics like Eleanor and Kayt is all very well and exemplary, but in private conversations such niceties can be dispensed with. Such minor things should not be held to apply to those of us with a higher calling in life; I was sure you would agree, Elflord.
Yuan: *laughing* Oh, quite. But you must surely realize that this gives me a handle on you. Imagine the scandal if it were discovered that the Grand Inquisitor had broken his oath of silence!
Saturninus: Blackmail? Oh, I don't think so. Who would believe an Elf over the Grand Inquisitor? If this whole fortress swore against me, the Daurosian judges would have you all locked away for perjury.
Yuan: Impressive! Most especially for a Monk -- Grand Inquisitor, I mean.
Saturninus: Mm-hm. *examines the Elflord's name.* Yuan Bluestar? Are you not the owner of the infamous Bluestar Plantation, subsidiary of Bluestar Enterprises?
Yuan: But of course! Bluestar Enterprises also owns the Don Yuan Lounge Company, and we have stock in just about every major Elvish enterprise in Ardania. Alas, we have run into hard times. The "renewal" *shudders* of Lost Veegas hit us hard, and the DDN has been interfering with the Elfweed trade. The last I heard, our three main distributors were in a Temple to Agrela, recovering from a joint DDN-SS raid on the I Know Nothing Lounge. So, you can see the position I'm in.
Saturninus: What are you driving at?
Yuan: *Waves a hand at Saturninus.* Here you are, Grand Inquisitor of Dauros, in Borjin's Keep. I'm sure you're desperate to get out. And here I am, desperate for money.
Saturninus: Indeed. *Glances about the luxurious room.* Get to the point.
Yuan: Bluestar Enterprises is on the verge of bankruptcy. I have a few schemes going with Borjy's help, but a little extra wouldn't hurt. Just how much are you willing to pay for safe passage out of Borjin's Keep? Think it over. And have a bath while you're doing it.
_________________
"Death awaits you!" - Maester Seymour, from Squaresoft's Final Fantasy X[i]
 
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TaleSpinner



Joined: 08 Sep 2000
Posts: 2018
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

 PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2004 5:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Day 1

(CNNa Newsflash blaze across the TV screen)

Sister Gloom: Breaking news today as our great and benevolent Sovereign has declared war on Borjin, the elf-lord ruler of Borjin's Keep and the surrounding region. We have with us the Royal Advisor who will enlighten us on our Sovereign's course of action.

(camera pans to the Royal Advisor)

Royal Advisor: Our beloved Sovereign only has the concern of his people's welfare on his mind. We have reason to believe that the nefarious Borjin is amassing weapons of mass destruction which he will undoubtedly use with evil intent.
Sister Gloom: (frowns) Weapons of mass destruction, you say? From all reports, it seems that the Sovereign intends to wipe out Borjin's Keep so that his caravans can pass through without paying Borjin fees.
Royal Advisor: (coughs nervously) Uh,.. I can assure you that the fact that the Sovereign's caravans can pass through Borjin's lands unhindered after Borjin's Keep has been subdued has in no way played part of the Sovereign's decision. No, we have reports that Borjin has recently abducted the elf maid Veri Voluptuous (portrait of Veri Voluptuous appears next to him on the screen with various bits censored out) from her wedding banquet with Trog the Disliker. As most of you might recall, Veri was the extreme exotic elf dancer from Lost Veegas who was part of the lethal Hormone Bomb, capable of eradicating all male life forms within a three mile radius, including the deaf and blind. We believe that this logically constitutes Veri as a weapon of mass destruction.
Sister Gloom: Interesting flow of logic, your excellency. Thank you for your time. (turns to face the camera) In other news, a cultist was killed today after a large explosion wiped out the Missing Coin tavern earlier today. A accompanying WoD, identified as TaleSpinner the Mildly Insane, was admitted to the nearby Temple to Agrela for treatment, along with a wizard who could not be identified after his stretcher grew legs and galloped away. More updates at nine.

(the TV is switched off)

Monkull the Rager: (putting down the remote) Hmm.. interesting news. (turns to a slave next to him. The slave, obviously one of high-standing among the house slaves, is wearing a butler outfit) How is Mop'bal?
Butler slave: Your daughter is still in her Rage, master. She has rendered two of the braves unconscious, but she has only broken two of the chains in the past hour.
Monkull the Rager: (sighs) This is worse than the time of her monthly cycle. (they both shudder at the memory) I was hoping that she was improving ever since her divorce with Trog. Have you sent her her pet goblin? That usually calms her down.
Butler slave: I'm afraid that she ripped its head off, master. With her teeth.
Monkull the Rager: (winces) Oh well, it's been a while since last raid on goblin settlement. I'll try to pick another up for her when I'm in town.

(suddenly, an inhuman howl can be heard along with a loud crash. A bloodied barbarian runs into the room.)

Bloodied barbarian: Clan Chief Monkull! Mop'bal has escaped!
Monkull the Rager: (covers his eyes with his hand) What are the casualties? How many survivors?
Bloodied barbarian: Three dead, two badly injured, and I don't think one of them will make it.
Butler slave: Shall I sound the call to gather the rest of the braves to go after her, master?
Monkull the Rager: (shakes his head) No, just send out a group to follow her. She'll calm down once she gets her hands on Trog. Poor bastard.
 
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TaleSpinner



Joined: 08 Sep 2000
Posts: 2018
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

 PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2004 7:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

(A high tower in Borjin's Keep)

Borjin: (materialises with Veri) Ah, here we are at last!
Veri: (fuming) I said, let go of me, you jerk! (manages a complex twist and kicks Borjin between the legs)
Borjin: Oooo... (eyes cross as he slides down sideways on the floor) Why do you despise me so, O flower of my heart?
Veri: Stop calling me that! I've already told you to go -bleep!- yourself that last time at the Prom!

(Scene wavers as it goes back to Elf College Prom Night '43. Borjin, sporting a black-leather jacket and sideburns, lies on the floor clutching between his legs while an angry young Veri stands over him)

Young Veri: Go -bleep!- yourself, you jerk!

(Scene snaps back to the present)

Borjin: I thought the years would have softened your attitude towards me and made way for your obvious attraction to me.
Veri: Obvious attraction!? (rolls eyes) You have to be kidding.
Borjin: (sulks) You never even acknowledged the gift I sent to you. I cut off my own ear just to show you how much I care!
Veri: (raised eyebrow as she observes Borjin's two very intact ears)
Borjin: Okay, okay - it was really the ear of some guy who owed me money - but consider the thought behind the gift!
Veri: I shudder with revolt when I think about the thought behind the gift.
Borjin: (gets up angrily) Fine! Then you can stay here until you learn to love me the way I love you!
Veri: (incredulous) You expect me to learn that by locking me up in some high, isolated tower in your keep!? You've lost your last sensibilities on your last elf-weed, haven't you?
Borjin: (ignores her and lifts the Amulet of Teleportation) And no barbarian horde or Sovereign's army can hope to rescue you from behind the walls to my keep! Hahahahah! (vanishes)
Veri: (looks out a nearby window to see how high she is) Trog!! Where are you!?
 
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Falotar



Joined: 22 Jan 2001
Posts: 2579
Location: Yaro'on the Fair

 PostPosted: Tue Nov 23, 2004 8:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

*The great hall of Borjin's Keep. A long line of husbands and wives winds through a series of silken crowd control bounders. At the desk, Loralty and Mew step up to confirm their reservations.*
Loralty: I am still not sure about this.
Mew: Don't be ridiculous.
Elven Registrar: Names?
Loralty: Loralty the Talkative One and Sister Mew.
Elven Registrar: *runs a finger down a list* Ah, here you are. Choice of decor?
Mew: Hmmm. What's Goblin Camp?
Elven Registrar: Bone furniture, felt walls with wooden framework, firepits for stoves, that sort of thing.
Peasant #45612: Hurry up, will ya? The wife's gettin' impatient.
Loralty: Here. *Hands Peasant #45612 a pamphlet entitled "Ardanian as it Should be Spoken."* That will keep her busy. *To the Registrar.* How about Royal Library?
Elven Registrar: It's all "booked up", so to speak. We held an unexpected surge of newly-wed Wizards.
Mew: Hmm. What about this? Classical Palace.
Loralty: Is not that the most expensive?
Elven Registrar: Customer's always right! *signs them up, and hands them a card key.* Third sub-floor, suite number twenty. Enjoy your stay!
Loralty: Thank you ... *The two begin to edge away between the boundary and the desk. Just as they get out in the open, they nearly run into Yuan and Minx.*
Loralty: Ah, pardon me. Are you here for the vacation offer too?
Minx: What, the honeymooners' special? I'm afraid we don't qualify.
Yuan: *smiling* You see, we aren't yet married. Now, if you'll excuse us ... *suddenly his pocket starts beeping.*
Mew: *cocking her head* Is that the soveriegn in there?
Yuan: No, it's my cell-phone -- if you would excuse me?
Loralty: Of course. *Loralty and Mew walk off and Yuan answers the phone. Unseen by the Elves, Loralty doubles back and hides behind a convenient pillar.*
Yuan: Oh, Borjy! Welcome back! Everything all right with Veri? You don't say. Perhaps I could have a word with her -- oh, really? I should like to see how clean your hands are after mucking about with Barbarians all night long! And the same to you! *Turns off his cell phone.*
Minx: Shouldn't you tell him about the Vacation Scam?
Yuan: *sniffs* Let him find out on his own. Arrogant, short-sighted son of a Varg! Let's go. We'll be late for the showing. 8The two stroll off. Loralty emerges from behind the pillar.*
Loralty: Vacation scam? I knew it! mew? Mew!
Mew; *Nearly to the end of the hall* What? Hurry up, Loralty!
Loralty: *shuffling after her as fast as he can* Wait! Wait! *She taps her foot on the black marble floor until he catches up.* Did you not hear?
Mew: Yes, I heard. I'm still telepathic, you know.
Loralty: Then you know we have to get out! This is some kind of twisted Elven scheme, and we do not want to get involved in it!
Mew And ruin our honeymoon? Don't be silly! *She kisses him.* I'm sure you're more than a match for Borjin and his lackeys. Now come along, the elevator's this way.
Loralty: But - *Mew shakes her head and drags him off.*
_________________
"Death awaits you!" - Maester Seymour, from Squaresoft's Final Fantasy X[i]
 
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Shifty Coindrop



Joined: 21 Sep 2000
Posts: 204
Location: Duncanville, TX, USA

 PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2004 7:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

(Back in Forumia. The scene? The Level 3 Temple to Agrela. Inside, a gathering of novice Healers are at a patient ward looking over five rather distinct cases and being lectured by Lucia the Tranquil and Cecilia of the Pond while they take notes.)

Lucia: And now Ladies, we come to Misters Shifty Coindrop, Ytfihs Pordnioc, Cherik of Keldurn, Rattensford, and Cucarouche. As you might know, the first three collectively form the entire Rogue's Guild of Forumia and the last two are Ratmen who have ended up as members of the kingdom, presumably due to some sort of association with the Guild.

(One of the Healer Interns raises her hand.)

Lucia: Yes?
Healer Intern #1: Is this the very same Rogue's Guild responsible for those naughty, naughty Locker Room videos?
Cecilia: Actually you are correct.

(All the Interns whip out their daggers with menacing sounds of metal slithering. The five patients widen their eyes and duck under their bedsheet.)

Cecilia: (Holding up her hands) Now now Ladies, put those away. They are under our care now and we must respect Agrela's wishes when it comes to those within the sanctuary of the Temple.
Intern #2: Even if they're Perverts?
Lucia: Even if they're Perverts. In fact, it's precisely because they're Perverts that we can ironically benefit. Ever since they set up shop here in Forumia they've practically become the Temple's Accelerated Course in Healing.

(The Interns nod and their daggers are sheathed before their notebooks and pencils (or laptops) are pulled out. All five patients peek out of the bedsheets and exhale a collective sigh of relief.)

Cecilia: Now as you might have all heard on CNN Ardania lately, the I Know Nothing Lounge had been hit by a coordinated raid between the Dauros Divine Network and the Sunfire Society. Obviously these five... "gentlemen" were in the Lounge at the time and in fact were the specific targets of that raid.
Lucia: Before you all try out the Heal spell you have spent time practicing on actual medical cases for the first time, I would like for you all to learn a little about a very special case of trauma that you may find amongst your future patients.
Cecilia: From what you read from the reports you were all given beforehand and from actual observations you may note that alongst with some slashing and stab wounds consistent with sword damage- and burns resulting from fire- that there are some extreme numbers of blunt force trauma applied to their heads and their groins.

(The Interns nod and take more notes.)

Lucia: After recording and noting the consistency and circumstances of these specific injuries that we've seen on the Rogues and quite no few of other kinds of male Heroes as well, the Church of Agrela and the Ardanian Healers' Journal has now officially classified this trauma grouping as a medical phenomenon.
Cecilia: It has been termed Eleanor's Rage. Or ER for short.

(The Interns gasp.)

Lucia: Named after Eleanor the Vigilant, the head of the local DDN chapter and the primary although by no means sole inflictor of this distinct kind of wound grouping.
Cecilia: Given the popularity of the naughty naughty Locker Room videos throughout Ardania, the Church and the AHJ have predicted that the incidence of ER will continue to rise. Therefore we are one of the first Temples that will incorporate a special wing specifically designed to treat and release ER patients as soon as possible.

(Another Intern raises her hand.)

Lucia: Yes?
Intern #3: Why devote a specific portion of the Temples to treating ER? Why not simply cast Heal on them repeatedly?
Cecilia: Very good question. Now while normally that would be the standard course of treatment for any sort of injury or ailment, we have noted that the ER wounds themselves are exceptionally resistant to Healing magic. Even on the rare occasions that the Sovereign commissions the Temple for Healing on said patients, much less health than usual is recovered. In fact, only Barbarians tend to mend from them relatively fast- although we presume that their rough, barely cultured existence and daily struggle for survival which includes making it out of a date alive has toughened them to where they are more prepared for ER than most other Heroes.

(More Intern notetaking.)

Lucia: Our top researchers in the Church and the AHJ are still conducting research on ER and what makes it exceptionally tough to heal with spells. However, they have managed to come up with a hypothesis that the actual means of damage are imbued with a combination of- at least in the case of Paladins specifically- a woman's outrage at male chauvinism and the Holy Wrath of Dauros which creates a mild form of Anti-Magic Shield that repels many of the healing spells we administer on the wounds. In fact, it would take all you gathered here today as well as Cecilia and myself to even effect a rate of mending on any one of these patients that normally a single Healer could suffice for.

(The Interns all ooo at the findings while they note that down. A fourth Intern raises her hand.)

Lucia: Yes?
Intern #4: Two questions. First, does this mean that no female Heroes have been afflicted with ER to date?
Cecilia: That is correct, although the researchers have also considered an experiment with staging male Locker Room videos to see if that could be possible- however unlikely that may be given male Hero behavior pertaining to females.
Intern #4: (Nods) And second... it was mentioned that blunt force trauma was the primary symptom of ER on these patients. Given that they were brought in from that joint raid, how can we be sure it wasn't just routine Solarii macework?
Lucia: Another excellent question, young Novice. When the patients were brought in for examination prior to admittance, we did indeed notice that the wounds inflicted on the specified regions had some indentations consistent with Solarii mace. However, there were also much smaller marks found that we were able to attribute to the pommels and flats of longswords and the boots that Paladins frequently wear.
Intern #1: (Raises her hand and speaks when nodded to) You mentioned Barbarians being able to recover from this quickly. In addition to their daily Kill or Be Killed lifestyle as a contributing factor, would you think that perhaps their collective disdain for all gods other than Krolm may be dispelling this hypothetical Anti-Healing Shield the researchers are proposing?

(Lucia and Cecilia look at each other for a moment, then looks back to Intern #1)

Lucia: We will forward this thesis to the Church and the AHJ. In the meantime once you have chosen your name we would like for you to give it to us so we can properly credit it.
Intern #1: (Smiling) Thank you.
Cecilia: Now, we can commence with the Heal spells-

(Suddenly they are interrupted by the doors to the patient room pushed open by a Healer dressed in a paramedic uniform.)

Paramedic #1: Make way! Make way! We've got another one for you all to patch up ASAP!

(Lucia, Cecilia and the Interns step aside as more Paramedics come in, rolling in a gurney that has Talespinner strapped down in it groaning.)

Talespinner: Urgh... Play-
Paramedic #2: (Covers his masked mouth with a free hand) Shush you. Nobody's dying on my watch. Now just relax and everything'll be fine.
Lucia: (Curious and just a tad bit incredulous) Why is a WoD being admitted here?
Paramedic #3: One, this was the nearest place of healing we could bring him to from the scene alive. And Two, the Temple of Fervus in Forumia phased out most of its healing chambers and converted them into Insurance Offices. You'll just have to bear with us on this.

(The Paramedics manage to load Talespinner from the gurney onto the last bed available in the room.)

Cecilia: (Rolls her eyes and sighs) Yeti Insurance... Agrela give me strength. (Looks to everyone else) All right ladies, I suppose you'll all be the first Healers in the history of Ardania to treat a Warrior of Discord.

(The Heal spells start being casted en masse upon Talespinner first, then on the other patients one at a time. Given that Talespinner was the only patient who didn't suffer from ER, he was quickly mended up. The effort of treating the Rogues and Ratmen however, had all the Interns levelling up amidst chants of "Agrela smiles upon me" in unison. Eventually all the healers depart and leave all six in the room alone to recover.)

Cucarouche: My life jus' flashed before me eyes.
Rattensford: Agreed Comrade. I had flashbacks from the Spa, especially when Kayt recognized me at the Lounge.
Shifty: (Sighs) How did they know we were there?
Ytfihs: Besides the smell of Crazy Beer, Elfweed, and the constant laughter?
Cherik: It does not matter how we were discovered for now Sirs. Now we have to simply recover and resume our operations as soon as possible. And in the meantime we have company.
Talespinner: (Groaning as he starts to regain what little sense and awareness he possesed in the beginning) Ur... where am I? (And he starts looking around, taking in the Agrelan decor without realizing it at first)
Cucarouche: Yoo're in de Temple to Agrelah, mon.
Talespinner: (His eyes widen to baseball-size briefly) WHAT!? I can't be in here! The other WoDs and Cultists'll start talking about me behind their backs!!
Shifty: You mean they don't all ready?
Talespinner: Well... umm... I don't know.
Ytfihs: You get used ta it after a while.
Rattensford: And the hospital food isn't so bad either.
Talespinner: You're a Ratman. Any food isn't so bad to you.
Cucarouche: He got you dere.
Rattensford: Shut up.
Cherik: I suggest we all rest up and relax for the moment, we will all be checked out in good time. (He looks to Shifty) And in the meantime Sir, perhaps you should open and read that envelope you received?
Shifty: A sensible idea for once.

(Shifty reaches over to a nightstand next to his bed and picks up a blue envelope before tearing it open and taking out a note inside. The scent of Elfweed eminates and fills the room briefly.)

Cucarouche: Ahhhhhh...
Rattensford: (Coughs and waves his hand) By Moux, that stench...
Talespinner: Smells like a Lounge in here.
Ytfihs: What does it say?
Shifty: I'm getting there Nimrod. (Clears his throat and starts reading.)

Quote:
To Shifty Coindrop, Ytfihs Pordnioc and Cherik of Keldurn:

Gentlemen, I have heard of your unfortunate incidents with the DDN and the SS on CNN Ardania. My condolences and a sincere wish for a speedy recover to all three of you. As the primary and so far best distributors and retailers of Bluestar Plantation© Brand Elven Pipeweed, the resumption of your business is mutually important to all of us, especially given the recent economic changes that have occured in recent times. Therefore upon your complete recovery I would like to extend a personal invitation to you all to be my personal guests at the legendary Borjin's Keep-


Rattensford, Cucarouche, and Ytfihs: Holy [Bleep]!
Talespinner: Cor! I hear they have all sorts of fun things there. Lounges, Gambling Halls, Fairgrounds...
Cherik: Shhhh! Let him continue reading Sirs.
Shifty: Thank you Cherik. (Reads some more.)

Quote:
- to discuss how we can resume and perhaps even increase the revenues and profit stream from the sales of Bluestar Plantation© Pipeweed.

However, this is not all business I assure you Gentlemen. In addition to the business deal, there will also be an Executive Tour of the Bluestar Plantation© branch at Borjin's Keep, complete with very exclusive take-home gifts.


Cucarouche: Ooooo... I wanna go dere!
Ytfihs: (Smacks him on the back of his head) Shut up and let him finish already!
Cucarouche: Owww...
Shifty: Ahem...

Quote:
Borjin's Keep is also about to debut the showing of Praise Dauros! Special Edition Directors' Cut exclusively on Elf-MAX followed by the premiere sale of the Special Edition Director's Cut on DVD here; we would like to honor the pioneers of such a breakthrough form of entertainment. Therefore, each of you may bring with you one additional guest to partake in the all-out bash following our business meeting. Don't forget also to bring plenty of gold pen and ink for the autograph sessions on the DVDs, and we will work out an interview session with you and your fans.

Ta Ta For Now and See You Then,

"Don" Yuan Bluestar

Owner, CEO and President of Bluestar Enterprises, Bluestar Plantation© and the Don Juan© Lounge Company.


Shifty: That settles it. Once we check out, we're all going to Borjin's Keep.
Cherik: Indeed, with the three members of the Guild able to bring along a guest each everyone in this room can go.
Talespinner: COR!! I've always wanted to go to Borjin's Keep!
Cucarouche: Me too mon! I wanna go to da Plantashon and dive in de Elfweed!
Rattensford: (Sighs) Even the blind could see that coming, Comrade.
Ytfihs: Me hands are gonna be sore from signin' all those copies.
Shifty: And I hear there's going to be all kinds of fun, naughty delights over there. We have it made Gentlemen.


Last edited by Shifty Coindrop on Thu Nov 25, 2004 1:56 am; edited 3 times in total
 
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Cooker



Joined: 20 Mar 2000
Posts: 1710

 PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2004 9:50 pm    Post subject: a reflection of my current situation ... Reply with quote Back to top

Forumia, wizard guild:

Cooker: “Welcome, welcome, to CSA wizard training services. In this semester we will instruct enchantment spells, in the other words, spells that bestow enchantment on object or creatures. I know my previous statement was completely useless, but so are at least half statements made by any professors, so put up with it.

Apprentice Wizard: “Why are you giving a lecture with slides if I am the only person attending?”

Cooker: “To show my immerse superiority.”

Apprentice Wizard: “Err”

Cooker “So, all of you were given the Syllabus. You know that we will do absolutely nothing in the first three month, and then I will assign one giant project so you can work day and night. We can’t spread our workload out because I have no idea what the project will be yet.”

Apprentice Wizard: “Err. OK”

Cooker “As you can see, we will have 8 tests, and the time between tests is reduced successfully, so you will have 6.5 minutes to study for the eighth one since that is the time between the 7th and 8th test.”

Apprentice Wizard: “6.5 minutes?”

Cooker “That is correct, and that is why nobody ever passes it. So it give me a chance to curve it anyway I want. Now, back to assignments: There will be just enough to make you run away screaming, and yes, the only purpose of assignments is to make sure you are too tired to come to lectures, so you can spend MORE time on the next one, is that clear ?”

Apprentice Wizard: “Is there any purpose in abusing me like this?”

Cooker “It’s not abuse, its endurance training.”

Apprentice Wizard: “Since you are obviously too lazy to come up with a good final project, how about giving me the freedom to do my own project and save you the work.”

Cooker “Good idea, go ahead …”

Apprentice Wizard: “I always wanted to make a giant wooden mule …”

Cooker “So you can mercilessly trample anyone that calls you an ass?”

Apprentice Wizard “Precisely”

Cooker “Approved. Go ahead on it. Mean while I will abuse you with assignments such as reading the library.”

Apprentice Wizard “YEAH!”

Cooker “Lecture Dismissed!”
 
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Falotar



Joined: 22 Jan 2001
Posts: 2579
Location: Yaro'on the Fair

 PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 12:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

*Yuan is seen leaning on the gilded doorframe of the Ruby Thorn Lounge. He is holding his cell phone, gritting his teeth at the ring-tone.*
Yuan: Borjy, please. This is a desperate situation!
Minx: *strolling out of the Lounge* What, the ring-tone?
Yuan: That, too. But -- ah, Borjy.
Borjin: Yuan, do you know why there are several hundred newly married couples in my Keep?
Yuan: Relax, Borjy. If you're so interested, I'll give you a flyer.
Borjin: It's MY Keep -- of course I'm interested! And stop calling me "Borjy"!
Yuan: Whatever. Now, Borjy, you really must do something. I'm starting to lose control!
Borjin: Do something? Lose control? What -
Yuan: These Reward Flags! They're everywhere. It's all very well for you, Borjy, with your Statues and Gardens and what-not, but what about me? I'm from out-of-town, so your loyalty structures don't have any effect on me. I could hardly contain myself -- I almost released an arrow at the Ruby Thorn!
Borjin: *truly concerned, given the number of unallied Heroes in his Keep* What do you suggest I do?
Yuan: Release Veri and undercut the Sovereign's excuse for a general war?
Borjin: Not on your -bleep-ing life!
Yuan: Well, there's no need to get hysterical, Borjy. Besides, it's just one girl -
Bprjin: It's Veri Voluptuous! I will not rest until she loves me -
Yuan: "Loves"? Really, Borjy. Anyway, what are you going to do about these Reward Flags? I'm not sure how much longer I can control my Greed -
Borjin: Simple. I'll just post a higher Reward Flag on one of Jay's buildings.
Yuan: Ah, about that. The SWAT team that called on me last night was most insistent -- I'm afraid I had to empty your coffers to keep Bluestar Enterprises solvent.
Borjin: YOU DID WHAT?! FIRST YOU COME HERE WITHOUT AN INVITATION, THEN YOU FILL UP MY KEEP WITH YOUR STUPID SCAM, THEN YOU WASTE ALL MY MONEY ON YOUR STUPID BUSINESS ENTERPRISE?!
Yuan: Oh, Norjy. I thought you would understand -- oh my, look at the time. Important visitors coming; really must hang up now. Ta-ta.
_________________
"Death awaits you!" - Maester Seymour, from Squaresoft's Final Fantasy X[i]
 
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Lurn



Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 226

 PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 6:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

Lurn looked disconcertedly around him as he was wheeled into the Temple to Agrela. An arm sat in front of him, but he wasn't sure who's it was.

Occaisonally, everything went black, then red, then blue, yellow. At those times the colors faded back and forth.

An hour later, he woke from his lethargic and twisted dreams. When he did, he found he could feel his arms move. He noticed his hit point bar was at full.

Stepping from the bed, he found he was completely healthy, and walked out the door.

Walking down the street, he went to the Wizards Guild. He found Cooker the Great just finishing a class with an apprentice. The apprentice seemed quite enthusiastic after leaving the Cooker's class, but they always were.

Walking up to Cooker, he bowed, and said, "I am sorry for missing my appointment, Great One. I had a . . . small accident. But, if you have the time, may we speak of the -" he lowers his voice "- Shadow-Whackerthingy-That-Hunts-Undesirable-Elves Project?"
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Why is that? Question mark."
 
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Joined: 27 Apr 2003
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Location: Harrisburg,PA

 PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 8:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote Back to top

(Borjin walks out into the streets of his Keep.)
Borjin: Think, think... how do you recover money while you're in war? (A light bulb is seen lighting up over his head.) Raise taxes! (He does an evil master mind laugh.)

(Galen and Concus walk out of the inn.)
Concus: I wish I knew why this place looks so familliar. (Concus walks right into Borjin, knocking him over.) Watch where you're goin', Blueface! (Concus looks Borjin and recognizes him) Borjin! Long time no see!
Borjin: Concus? Is it really you? How long has it been?
Concus: Since Prom '43, I believe.

(The screen flashes back to Prom '43)
Young Veri: Go (Bleep!) yourself!
Young Borjin: (Crying) But I love you! Why don't you love me back!?
(Young Veri stomps off.)
Middle Age Concus: Fiesty little bugger, ain't she?
Young Borjin: Don't talk about my love that way.
MA Concus: Dude, she hates your nuts! A WoD has more of a chance with a Paladin!
Young Borjin: She will come to love me, no matter what!
MA Concus: Just don't do anything stupid.
Young Borjin: I will go and make her love me!
MA Concus: Well, I'll see you later!
(Screen returns to present day)
Concus: So, how did that whole Veri thing work out?
Borjin: We are still very much in love.
Galen: Sounds like Varg Crap to me.
Borjin: Shut up! Veri Voluptuous is mine, and will always be mine!
Galen: Veri Voluptuous? I know her. We met in Lost Veegas.
Borjin: And?
Galen: The name says it all. But doesn't it always?
Concus: He has a point...
Borjin: I really must be going. I have important buisness to attend to.
Galen: What a coincidence, we are bored out of our minds with your boring Keep, and need something to do. We'll come with you.
Borjin: (Rolls his eyes) Must you really?
Concus: Yup!
(The three walk off to attend to Borjin's Buisness)
_________________
Gimli:Never thought I'd die fighting side by side with an Elf.
Legolas:What about side by side with a friend?
Gimli:Aye. I could do that.

Gandalf:Here at last, on the shores of the sea comes the end of our Fellowship.
 
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