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ToF: Fortress of I.X.M.I.L.
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Venstar Trailblazer



Joined: 27 Apr 2003
Posts: 600
Location: Harrisburg,PA

 PostPosted: Sat Aug 02, 2003 8:43 pm    Post subject: ToF: Fortress of I.X.M.I.L. Reply with quote Back to top

(The group runs to IXMIL, for it is their home. The chickens are in hot persuit)
Galen: I have never ran so fast in my life!
Veti: Fervus! We are the same age! We are barely walking.(Galen looks at his feet and notice Veti is right)
TaleSpinner: Let's kick it up a notch!(The group starts a slow jog, sweat is pouring off of Galen's face)
Galen:(Falls over) Leave me! save yourself!
Disembodied Voice: He is such a sissy! Someone, please kick him!
Raistlin: NO!(Everyone looks at him)
TaleSpinner:(Thinks Raistlin doesn't want to leave Galen behind) Raist is right!
Raistlin: I am?
TaleSpinner: Yes. Now let's hurry up!(Helps Galen up)
(The group reaches IXMIL. The doors don't open.)
Galen: Stop (beep!)-ing around IXMIL, this is our home!
Cooker:(Interupting)And I'm your master!
IXMIL: Never!(shot an electric bolt at them, robotic version of spit)
Galen: Well, then we'll take you by storm!(Charges at IXMIL. The Fortress starts to shot out purple bolts.)
Galen: Bock, buwk bowc!(Runs in the opposite direction, run back emediatly, for he is being followed by the chickens, who finally caught up!)

[ 03. August 2003, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: Galen Frese ]
 
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Venstar Trailblazer



Joined: 27 Apr 2003
Posts: 600
Location: Harrisburg,PA

 PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2003 9:21 pm    Post subject: ToF: Fortress of I.X.M.I.L. Reply with quote Back to top

(Stuck in the middle of the chickens and IXMIL, the group starts to panic.)
Galen: Please don't kill us!
Veti:(Sees the chickens start to jump kick)Get down!
(The group falls to the ground)
TaleSpinner:(looks up)Hey! They're not attaking us. They're attacking IXMIL!
United Chickens Agent: Skwack!
Veti: Translation please!
TaleSpinner: They want to get to another group of chickens in Machicks inside IXMIL!
(The door of IXMIL brakes down as TaleSpinner stops talking)
Galen: Well isn't that convenient!
Disembodied Voice: How do we know that they aren't lieing!
Raistlin: Shut up!
Galen: Ok! Maybe I will!
Cooker: Shut up and get inside!
(The group rushes into IXMIL)
 
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TaleSpinner



Joined: 08 Sep 2000
Posts: 2018
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

 PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2003 11:09 pm    Post subject: ToF: Fortress of I.X.M.I.L. Reply with quote Back to top

(The Vermillion alert is still blazing away as the heroes rush into the main dining hall.)

Veti: Oooo! Look at all the pretty colours!
Raistlin: You see them too!? I thought it was just my hallucinations acting up again.
Galen: No time to admire the sights! Where's the main control room!?
Cooker: This way! (leads them through a door and into what looks like a over-used and under-washed men's toilet) Oh.
Nobody: I.X.M.I.L. must have reconfigured itself from within. Now even we don't know where everything is!
TaleSpinner: (looking at the flashing lights) What the heck is a (struggles to pronounce the word) Ver-mi-Melon alert?
Galen: (shrugs) Dunno. Some kind of fruit, I think.
Cooker: (snaps) No, it's not! It's the highest form of alert in this building! I.X.M.I.L. must have detected something that can potentially destroy it!
Raistlin: Really? That's good news!
Nobody Bond: (shakes head) Not really. It also means that I.X.M.I.L. has activated the highest form of security it has.

(As if on cue, a panel on the wall opens up to reveal a robot on tracks with miniguns, similar to the ones from Terminator 3. It opens fire at the heroes who dive to the floor.)

Galen: (a stray bullet bounces off the top of his helmet) ARGH! Run away! Run- I mean, Bwok! Bwok! Bwok!
Raistlin: (bullets searing overhead) What sort of maniac installs a death trap like this in a toilet!? (looks at Cooker) Oh, right.

(Suddenly, there is a creaking sound and the ceiling caves-in above the robot, squashing it to bits. When the smoke clears, they see a sleeping Solarus in the middle of the debris.)

TaleSpinner: (frowns) Hey, that's the lady who couldn't make up her mind at the food counter!
Raistlin: (stares at her bloated stomach) Looks like she got her order though. She must have fallen through the ceiling!
Eidola: (sleepily) Whuh? (wakes up) What's happening (sees TaleSpinner and the rest) Oh. Hi there, everyone.
Morfeathers: (squawking indignantly) Bwak! Squak! Bwok!
Galen: He says that we're wasting time and we need to find the Main Control Room and the One!
Nobody: (frowns) A lot of fuss just to find a monk.
TaleSpinner: (shrugs) They seem to know what they're doing. Come on, let's get going!
Eidola: Umm.. just one second (grimaces as she rubs stomach) Do you guys mind if I use the toilet first?
 
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Cooker



Joined: 20 Mar 2000
Posts: 1710

 PostPosted: Fri Aug 08, 2003 12:06 am    Post subject: ToF: Fortress of I.X.M.I.L. Reply with quote Back to top

“I had enough of this” Cooker muttered has he stood up, “IXMIL, I demand your surrender in ten seconds”.
Nobody looked at his general direction, and sweat began to drop from his forehead, he is the only one that knows something very destructive is about to take place.
Voice of computer: “Ten … Nine” Cooker took out a PDA from one of the pocket of his wizard robe, and start typing fanatically on it.
“Eight”, everybody start to sweat, as their head slowly turned to face cooker
“Seven … Six” everything suddenly become silent, only beating of heart can be heard
“Five …”
Alarm can be heard from above, in fact, the entire sky start to flash red and white.
“Four”
A loud voice came from above “WARNING: Strategic ballistic missile launching sequence has being detected.”
Different people react drastically different to this situation

Cooker (maniacal) “You won’t have me, you won’t have me!”
SovJ: “Bleeping bleep of a bleep”
Falotar: “Your majesty, the first bleep did not have proper conjunction.”
Nobody (sweats) “I should have known the risk of …”
Galen “pretty colors!”
Raistlin “This not looking …”
Veti “What is going on …”
Tale Spinner: “What is a missile”
IXMIL: “Muhahahah, Resistance is futile …”

IXMIL teleported, a second later, a mushroom cloud appeared where it was a second ago. Nothing was destroyed ( probably a good number of trees, no one but the Ardanian green peace care about them anyways )

The hero was strangely relieved by hellish landscape outside.

Sister gloom will surely find this interesting.

[ 08. August 2003, 01:07 AM: Message edited by: Merlin the Black ]
 
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Venstar Trailblazer



Joined: 27 Apr 2003
Posts: 600
Location: Harrisburg,PA

 PostPosted: Fri Aug 08, 2003 12:47 pm    Post subject: ToF: Fortress of I.X.M.I.L. Reply with quote Back to top

(Everyone starts to run after the chickens)

Galen: Who is this Loralty? Have I met him before? His name sounds farmiliar.
Eleanor: Will someone please shut the imbisil up!(Galen shuts up) That's much better.
Veti: So you are after a monk? Aren't you girls friends of monks?
Eleanor: This is not just any monk, it is Loralty the Talkative One. He broke the oath of scilence, and it's not him we're after, it's his law breaking friends!
(The Chickens infront of a hallway with a door at the end of it)
Morfeathers: Bwok Bwok Bwokedy Bwok.
Galen: He said that that is the room with the "One" int it.
(Without anyone saying another word Eleanor is alreadyopeningthe door...)
 
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Venstar Trailblazer



Joined: 27 Apr 2003
Posts: 600
Location: Harrisburg,PA

 PostPosted: Fri Aug 08, 2003 2:41 pm    Post subject: ToF: Fortress of I.X.M.I.L. Reply with quote Back to top

(Newsflash goes across the screen)
Sister Gloom:(standing next to where IXMIL was) Many civilian were shocked that earlier today, IXMIL, a CFC resturaunt, disappeared, in a mashroom cloud. No one was hurt. People were devistated because of the sudden happenings. We do not know all the details yet, but we have gotten a hold of some of the customers of IXMIL from earlier.
Frantic Goblin Customer: It was horrible! Just horrible!
Sister Gloom: Calm down, you are safe now.
Frantic Goblin Customer:(Pants, with tears running down his filthy cheeks) Well, I was sitting with some friend, eating CFC. Then I said "Guys, I gotta go to the bathroo...(sobs for a minute) the.. the bathroom. When I sat down on the toilet, an alarm went off. Next thing I know, the toilet did some automatic flush thing, but the seat opened up wide, like it was gunna eat me. Then...(starts to sobb profusly) then... it swallowed me, and spit me onto the ground below, just as it disappeared!(falls over, sucking his thumb, crying like a baby)
Sister Gloom: That was just one of many stories, but by far the most informative. This is Sister Gloom, I will update you as more information comes.(screen fades to white)

[ 09. August 2003, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: Galen Frese ]
 
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Falotar



Joined: 22 Jan 2001
Posts: 2579
Location: Yaro'on the Fair

 PostPosted: Fri Aug 08, 2003 11:28 pm    Post subject: ToF: Fortress of I.X.M.I.L. Reply with quote Back to top

*Meanwhile, in the NNRC, the cages of vermillion light suddenly vanish.*
Loralty: What in the name of - ? Well, I suppose I should not complain.
Demon #34: Hurray! We're travelling through our home again!
Demon #4534: Idiot! The prisoner is fre!
Voice of Shifty from the hallway: Right, and he's going to remian that way! *The Three Rogues burst into the NNRC in grand style, crossbows already firing.*
Demon #34: He-he-hurgh? *Vanishes in a puff of green smoke.*
Demon #4534: What insolence is - argh! *Also vanishes in a puff of green smoke.*
Cherik: Well, that went easier than could be expected.
Shifty: Only one shot to each of them? What's with these creatures?
Ytfihs: Maybe it's due to the fact that Demons aren't really programmed into the system?
Shifty: Who cares? *Turns to Loralty.* Okay, Monk, do you know where the main control room is?
Loralty: Not exactly - but I believe it is around here somewhere, as well as the power generator.
Cherik: This place has a power generator?
Voice of IXMIL: Of course I do. How else would I stay active when the computer's power is cut? *The four turn around, to see a battalion of butcher-knife wielding robots in the door and hallway.*
Cherik: Why butcher knives?
IXMIL: They were close at hand.
Shifty: *sweating* Okay, it's about time for the cavalry to ride in and save the day.
*As if on cue, a large squawking can be heard outside in the corridor.*
IXMIL: Drat those chickens! Who let them out of their cages?
Sister Encrypt: Apparently everyone has forgotten about me. The truth is, I lay low until I was assured of your plans, IXMIL. Then I determined the best way to thwart them. When ardania is wrested from Jay's grasp, it will be by Krypta and not some artificial intelligence!
IXMIL: *sarcastically* Look who's calling the kettle black.
*However, while the Fortress proper was distracted, all the hundreds of chickens once trapped in Machicks, but now freed by the Priestess, and led by members of the United Chickens, came pouring down the hall, and made scrap out of IXMIL's robot battalion.*
Chicken in Wizard's robes: *pulls out a cell phone and speaks into it* Bwok! Barawk brak bwok, bwok brauk, bacrok! *Up above, Morfeathers receives the message.*
Morfeathers: *turns to the WoDs, whom he considers the only intelligent people there* Brawk bwok!
Veti: What's he saying now?
Eidola: *looking closely at the cell phone in Morfeathers' claw* That looks like one of Embris' . . .
TaleSpinner: He says they've found the One!
Galen: And he wants us to follow him!
Deadly familiar voice: Not so fast, pagans.
*The enitre company blanches. Well, almost the entire company.*
Eidola *brightly* Hi, Eleanor! *Five Paladins, four wearing SWAT uniforms, walk into the dim light shinign from a hole in the ceiling.*
Eleanor: *ignoring the Solarus* Where's Loralty?
TaleSpinner: Um, we don't know? *Eleanor's Jeweled Longsword of Annihilation flashes to within an inch of his throat.*
Raistlin: Uh, wrong one. Better try again.
TaleSpinner: Wait! It's true! I don't know where Loralty is! *Points at Morfeathers.* But I think he does.
Eleanor: Right! Everyone, follow that chicken! Where Loralty is, his criminal friends can't be far away!
Clarina: May I remind you that you're supposed to be destroying IXMIL?
Eleanor: Yes, but we do have priorities.
 
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TaleSpinner



Joined: 08 Sep 2000
Posts: 2018
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

 PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2003 12:18 am    Post subject: ToF: Fortress of I.X.M.I.L. Reply with quote Back to top

(Back at where Loralty and the rogues are.)

Shifty: Okay, so the Main Control Room is around somewhere here?
Sister Encrypt: Yes. Look above you.

(They glance upwards and they see an huge control panel fixed on the ceiling, about ten feet up.)

Sister Encrypt: When I.X.M.I.L. reconfigured itself, it thought that the best place to put the Control Room is some place difficult to get to.
Cherik: (jumping up to touch the panel) Ergh! Can't even reach it! I bet I'd be able to if I had a very bouncy Executive Chair!
Ytfihs: (mutters) Another mention of those Executive Chairs and I'll bounce you off tha' floor meself!
Chicken in Wizard's Robe: Squawk! Bwak! (flies up to the panel and pecks a button. The words 'Enter Self Destruct Access Code' comes up on screen.)
Loralty: Well, I suppose chicken wings do come in useful after all.
IXMIL: Mwaahahaha!! You still need to have the Access Codes to destroy me, puny heroes! And now to assure my victory over the Sovereign, all I need to do is destroy the Palace!

(The Fortress materialises right next to the Royal Palace. Immediately, lightning bolts start raining down on the Palace.)

SovJ: -BLEEP!- THIS -BLEEP!-ING MACHINE!!!!

(TaleSpinner walks into the room with Galen, Raistlin and Cooker.)

TaleSpinner: Loralty! We've been looking all over for you!
Loralty: Eh? What, may I ask, for?
Clarina: (comes forward) Move aside, Wod!
Shifty: (gasps) Clarina! If you're here, then that means..
Eleanor's voice from behind TaleSpinner: DIE PERVERTS!!!!!
Shifty, Ytfihs and Cherik: (screaming like little girls) Aiiiiieeeeee!!

(Suddenly, the chicken in a wizard's robe casts a spell and teleports the charging paladins outside of the fortress.)

Eleanor: (howling) NOO! (the paladins start whacking away at the fortress, but their swords hardly dent IXMIL's walls)

IXMIL: Mwaahahahahaha!! Titanium walls are the first reconfiguration I've put up!
Morfeathers: Bwok! Bwok! Bwok!
Galen: He says that the only way to destroy IXMIL now is to use the Self-Destruct Access Code!
Raistlin: But what about Loralty!? Isn't he the One!?
Chicken in Wizard robe: (jumping up and down) Squaak! Bwak! Bwaaak!
TaleSpinner: (frowns) He said "Monk? We're not looking for a stupid monk! We're look for the One With The Self-Destruct Access Codes!"
Nobody: Hey! That would be Cooker! He mentioned that he has got part of the Access Code!
TaleSpinner: Well, that's it then! Out with it and we can end this nightmare before the palace goes down!
Cooker: (indignantly) Not so easy, Wod! We need two parts of the Self-Destruct Access Code, one of which is with Sister Gloom herself who keeps it in Temple of Krypta's Highly Secured Locked-Down Location!
Morfeathers: Bwok! Bwok! (produces a little black envelope and flips it to Nobody Bond)
Galen: He said that they found it in the vegie compartment of her refrigerator.
Cooker: (coughs as he falters) Right. But the other code held by me is so secure that even I don't remember it. I had it laser-burned into the back of my skull and an 'Amnesia Spell' cast to wipe out my memory of it!
Shifty: Aww, that's too bad. Back of the skull, you say? (to TaleSpinner) Whaddya waiting for? Let's get slicing with that blade-stick!
Sister Encrypt: Wait. (peels a Post-It tab off Cooker's back) Hmm.. 'Cooker's Self Destruct Code: 12345-PREPARE-TO-DIE' could this be it?
Cooker: ... forgot about that.
Nobody Bond: (fervently) Just as well, boss.

(Outside, the Palace is down to 20/250 HPs)

IXMIL: Mwahahahaha!! Nothing can stop me now!
SovJ: (strangling Seth) Take -BLEEP!-ing initiative, you said! Save the -BLEEP!-ing day, you said! Who's -BLEEP!-ing bright idea was it to give -BLEEP!-ing heroes their own -BLEEP!-ing AI!?
Seth: Ack! Choke! Gasp!

IXMIL: What the-!? Someone has entered in the Self-Destruct Access Codes! Self-Destruct in ten.. (explodes in a brilliant display of 256 coloured pixels. The heroes pop back outside next to the explosion)
Raistlin: Luckily, heroes are programmed to exit a building once it gets destroyed!
TaleSpinner: So much for the ten second countdown!
Cooker: It was programmed to explode when it counts ten. Too bad it started counting backwards.

- The End -
 
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TaleSpinner



Joined: 08 Sep 2000
Posts: 2018
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

 PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2003 12:26 am    Post subject: ToF: Fortress of I.X.M.I.L. Reply with quote Back to top

Epilogue:
 
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TaleSpinner



Joined: 08 Sep 2000
Posts: 2018
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

 PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2003 12:28 am    Post subject: ToF: Fortress of I.X.M.I.L. Reply with quote Back to top

TaleSpinner the Mildly Insane swore off chicken for the rest of his life and took to eating beef burgers exclusively at Burger Sovereign. He was last seen escaping from an angry herd of United Cows followers.
 
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Venstar Trailblazer



Joined: 27 Apr 2003
Posts: 600
Location: Harrisburg,PA

 PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2003 11:25 pm    Post subject: ToF: Fortress of I.X.M.I.L. Reply with quote Back to top

Veti Insane and Galen the Insane have started to look for their mother. They thought that a combine effort would help them find her... all it got them was hungry, so they headed to Burger Soverien.
Veti: Um... Galen? I have something to tell you.
Galen: What is it?
Veti: I know who our mom is, and what she does for a living...
 
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Alfryd



Joined: 03 Dec 2002
Posts: 914

 PostPosted: Wed Aug 13, 2003 4:02 pm    Post subject: ToF: Fortress of I.X.M.I.L. Reply with quote Back to top

No chickens were harmed in the production of this feature. We hired ducks as stunt doubles.
(Tales of Forumnia is guaranteed ozone-friendly, fat free, non-carcinogenic and contains no artificial flavourings, colourings or preservatives, salts, acids, bases, turpentine, or sacharine.)
Please don't feed the WoDs.


[ 13. August 2003, 05:10 PM: Message edited by: Alfryd, disciple of Krolm. ]
 
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Falotar



Joined: 22 Jan 2001
Posts: 2579
Location: Yaro'on the Fair

 PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2003 12:22 am    Post subject: ToF: Fortress of I.X.M.I.L. Reply with quote Back to top

Loralty the Talkative One attempted to disappear, but Petrified himself instead. It was just as well, since the DDN, ignorant of the irrational coding for Majesty, assumed he couldn't be hurt.
When he had finally become un=Petrified, he found that the automatic transfer protocol had moved him to a different Quest.
Soveriegn Jay: I hate that protocol. Seth!
*Sound of office door slamming and Royal Rat-catcher feet running madly away from it.*
 
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